Monitoring appointment #3

This morning was my third, but not yet final, monitoring appointment for this cycle.  Next appointment is 8am Wednesday morning (cycle day 11).

Lining: 6.2mm
Right ovary: 9 follicles ranging from 9mm to 15mm, with the average being 12.5mm
Left ovary: 6 follicles ranging from 8.5mm to 13.5mm, with the average being 11mm
Medication: 5 units Lupron, 4 Bravelle + 2 Menopur nightly
Side effects: Bloating, mood swings, vivid dreams and lots of trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night

Today in the waiting room of the doctor's office, someone actually talked to me. In all of the times I've been there, we ladies don't say one word to each other, as if sharing our stories (or even making friendly small talk) is a no-no.  We sit there silently with our blackberries, iphones, or books and pretend that this waiting room is no different than any other.  But today, one of the women complemented me on my purse and followed up with "It's the little things, you know? Especially with everything going on here...retail therapy."  I agreed with her and made some small talk.  I still feel like I should have said more to her.  People really just want to vent with people who are going through the same thing that they are, they just want to be heard.  I think we have a tendency to keep everything in because that has been our habit; we keep our miscarriages secret, then we keep our infertility, IVF, etc a secret until finally we can't hold it in any more.  Consequently, that makes us feel withdrawn from the people whom we should feel the closest to and be able to confide in.  Right now, I don't really feel close to anyone.  I feel alone and misunderstood, and most of all unable to control my emotions.  I want to be a calm, rational person; I don't want to be bitchy or nag or be in a bad mood all of the time.  I have to consciously wake up every day and make the choice to keep it together, to take a deep breath and just roll with what life is throwing at me.  But I have these days where I just want to punch everyone in the face and go to bed.  I know we all have these days (please tell me you do) but mine are more frequent lately.  I would like to blame the medications but mostly I think it is just me.  I feel so alienated and like no one understands me...and as soon as those thoughts cross my mind its like a downward spiral.  Once I'm in the hole it's really hard to get out but I find that just going to bed for the night and waking up fresh helps. 

On that note, I'm off to bed.