Loss

Bad news today- we lost the girl.  She never progressed on Day 6 to a full blast...she was holding steady at a compacting morula, which is the stage right before early blast.  They were trying to give her as much time as possible to expand so that they could freeze her, being that she was the only other chromosomally normal embryo we had.  Unfortunately, she never reached the point so they could freeze, so we had to let her go. My little girl- not sure what she would have looked like or who she would have become, but I would be lying if I said I didn't dream about her.

Of the remaining 8 that were supposed to be biopsied yesterday for PGD, only 1 out of 8 made it to blast and could be biopsied.  Of the remaining 7, 4 were either degenerating or completely arrested, and 3 were developing even slower than the girl, so they could not biopsy.  The 1 that was biopsied will have PGD results back tomorrow.  It is more likely than not that the one will come back abnormal in some fashion, leaving us with zero frozen embryos this cycle.

I guess technically we did not beat the odds.  Out of 15 embryos, we ended up with 1 normal that was a hatching blast on the Day 5 transfer.  The remaining were abnormal or did not make it to Day 5 for biopsy. We will never know if there were any "normal" in the remaining 8 not biopsied, except the one that went out yesterday.

So that leaves us with one 7 day old boy embryo floating around in there.  I really hope he is sticking to something.   Thinking of coming up with a negative pregnancy test on May 31 is enough to make me want to crawl under the covers and shut out the world.  This is my life; this is all I am right now. This is what I think about day and night, all day, every day.  It is an all consuming process and all the while life rushes past us.  I live my days in a fog, just wanting to hurry them along so we can get to the next deadline..and the next...and the next.

 I have never been in this sort of mental place in my life; even the chinks in M's armor are starting to show.  This is a financially, physically, and emotionally draining process that I hope will make our dreams of having a family come true.  Until then, we pray and wait.