This baby is continuing to surprise me with his/her target measurements and perfect heart rate! I am being lulled into a false sense of security and almost feel like I can take a huge sigh of relief. Almost. Unfortunately, I have been trained to focus on the bad. I have the sinking feeling that next time, we will lose him. That when we go for CVS in a week that spontaneously the pregnancy will terminate or even worse, the CVS testing will yield a horrible chromosome abnormality or deformity and we are faced with the decision of playing God ourselves. I am sick just thinking about it, so for 90% of my time I pretend this pregnancy doesn't exist. It is so sad. I just go about my daily life. What a disappointment of a first trimester. Perhaps once I get through it at the end of this month, the second trimester will be filled with more excitement and anticipation. Because right now, we make no plans for the future- we just focus on today.
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