12w5d CVS done

Today I went through with it.  Mike & I met up at the hospital and had the CVS testing completed on the baby.  It did not hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would, but I am still so thankful that he was there holding my hand. Turns out the tear in the placenta had not fully healed itself yet, but we decided to proceed because the risk of loss went from half a percent to about 1%.  It was worth the risk for us to know what was going on in there.  The baby looked great- moving around, great heart rate, great size.  Nothing is indicating that there is anything wrong right now.  But we still just don't know.

The CVS itself lasted about a minute.  They prepped me, draped me in sterile paper, and the ultrasound tech held the wand while the doctor used the needle.  Thought I didn't actually look at the needle, Mike said it was fairly thin but long- it needs to be flexible to collect a villi sample.  I felt a pinch when it went in, then nothing, then a slight cramp as it hit my uterus.   Not so much pain, as my skin was crawling just knowing some foreign object had poked its way through layers of skin, fat and muscle.  Once it was in my uterus, it was like a quick scraping feeling as he collected placenta cells for less than 30 seconds.  Very weird feeling.  Not pain, just pressure and weirdness.  Then, just like that, it was over.  He talked me through the whole thing- the doc was great.  I really liked him.    Though when he took the needle out, I asked Mike "is there something still in my belly"?   There wasn't, but maybe the hole the needle left made me still feel like something was there.  I started to feel better immediately and got dressed.  They confirmed they had a good sample, let me see it, and then we set up to take my blood and Mike's blood for any comparisons that might need to happen with the microarray.

About halfway home from the hospital my genetic counselor called me.  They had forgotten to give me my Rhogam shot before I left!  I'm O negative so any invasive procedure such as CVS needs to be followed up with a shot to ensure if my blood and baby's blood mixes, there are no antibodies created that might treat baby like a foreign object and try to eliminate it.  Very.big.deal.  So i had to run back there to get the shot, and I swear that hurt more than the CVS! It's in your rear and it takes forever because it's a lot of fluid and it BURNS!

Overall, my nightmares did not come true.  It was not as bad as I thought, as of this morning I'm just a little sore but nothing else to note.  Results trickle in over the next week.  This is the last hurdle.  We will know what to do after all this is finished, we will finally know where we stand with this pregnancy.

Oh, and they thought they saw boy parts :)

Chorionic Villi Sampling (CVS) and 12 weeks

I am 12 weeks today.  I am petrified.  I am tired and scared and confused.    I am also the mom of a healthy toddler and I must remind myself of that every day. It has been a struggle to admit that I am pregnant in spite of my growing frame. I look as pregnant as 12 weeks as I did at 16 or 18 weeks with Luke.  It's amazing to me how fast I'm showing this time, which makes thinking about it that much harder.

I was scheduled for CVS testing this past Thursday at 11w 5d. I went in, saw the genetic counselor and filled out all the paperwork.  My bladder was full to the brim and the tech did my ultrasound.   The baby looked great and was measuring right on target with a great heartbeat.  The little bugger was bouncing around in there like crazy! It was a great sight to see.   The doctor came in and scanned me himself.   That should have been the end of it- my placenta is not near my cervix so they were going to have to go in abdominally.  However, he mentioned that he saw some blood clotting behind my placent alike there had been a tear that was healing. He gave me the option to go forward that day or I could postpone a week and see if it healed because the risk of miscarriage slightly increases if there is evidence of a placenta tear.  I of course took that option because I know rash decisions are bad decisions.  So all that time off work wasted, and even more time to think about the CVS that I didn't really want to have done in the first place.

So now I'm stuck with a couple of options when I go back on Thursday-
1)  I still have a placenta tear and don't go through with it and have a baby with an issue
2) Everything is fine, I get CVS then have a miscarriage with a perfectly normal pregnancy
3) I have a placenta tear, do go through with it, and have a miscarriage with a normal pregnancy
4) I have a placenta tear, have CVS and have a baby with an issue
5) Do nothing, have no issues

I am at a loss.  I am so confused. I have no idea what I want to do.  Most of me just wants to let go and let this be what it's going to be.  We will do what we have to do and be the family we have to be.  But then the other part of me wants to know so I can prepare.  Or terminate.  Or not.  This whole thing is ridiculous.  But then again, we asked for it didn't we? When we play with fire and do irresponsible things such as this.  Knowing full well the horrible outcome that could be.

  Or...the miracle that could be?

10w 2d

This baby is continuing to surprise me with his/her target measurements and perfect heart rate! I am being lulled into a false sense of security and almost feel like I can take a huge sigh of relief.  Almost.  Unfortunately, I have been trained to focus on the bad.  I have the sinking feeling that next time, we will lose him.  That when we go for CVS in a week that spontaneously the pregnancy will terminate or even worse, the CVS testing will yield a horrible chromosome abnormality or deformity and we are faced with the decision of playing God ourselves.  I am sick just thinking about it, so for 90% of my time I pretend this pregnancy doesn't exist.  It is so sad.  I just go about my daily life.  What a disappointment of a first trimester.  Perhaps once I get through it at the end of this month, the second trimester will be filled with more excitement and anticipation.  Because right now, we make no plans for the future- we just focus on today.