41 weeks- why am I surprised?

Well, here I am again.  The place I thought I couldn't possibly go this time.  Overdue-land.  I don't know why I am surprised that I have made it this far again. I should have known.  Doula Nikki said so.  I know to trust her.

It was another great week of being off and getting things done. I detailed my master bathroom- 2 hours worth of cleaning in one single room.  Went to chiropractor, lunch with mom, dealt with some contractors at my house related to the basement construction.  Got to do some flower arranging for the spring and do more organizing of kitchen and bathroom.  But each night I end up empty.  No contractions to speak of (aside from braxton hicks), and all I do is drink red raspberry leaf tea and stick evening primrose pills up my hoo-ha in attempt to soften my cervix.

All to find out at today's appointment that I'm no more than a fingertip dilated and no softening to speak of.  The doc even attempted to "stretch" me to 1cm and sweep my membranes but couldn't get up there to do it.  Nice.  Why is this happening to me?  I want this more than anything to go into labor on my own and my body just refuses to cooperate.   I think it's because I have done so much research and want this so bad that for some reason Murphy's law is kicking.  I just want to have a pity party for myself today.  However, after some googling I found out that it's pretty much impossible for a woman not to dilate.  There are usually either one of two things going on: 1) she is not emotionally ready or 2) the baby is malpositioned and the head is not exerting enough pressure on the cervix to thin and dilate. For Luke, it was #2.  He wasn't positioned correctly and was never going to come out the way he was.  But, no one tried to do any techniques on me to try to help that.   I tend to think that this baby might have the same issue.  He is probably chin up (he is supposed to tuck his chin) and that will cause his crown to push on the cervix and send the signal that we are ready.

I was reading spinningbabies.com to try to see some techniques to help him into position (if he's not already).  Just to be safe.  I know he is at least head down but the doc says she can't tell what position he's in until he engages in the pelvis more.  But he won't engage unless he's in the right position.  Catch- 22.  So now what?

I spent most of the afternoon feeling sorry for myself, after 3 full hours at the doc office- 1.5 hrs of wait time, 30 minutes with the doc, 30 minutes doing non-stress testing, and 30 minutes of scheduling & talking to nurses.  Now I am just trying to forget about it for the weekend and enjoy myself.  As doula Nikki says, this is not a battle I'm going to win by fighting.  She tells me I have to surrender, but it is so hard.  I reserve the right to feel crappy and that's just the way it's going to be for now.