23 weeks

I’m having a little bit of an issue I don’t remember having last time.   I have anxiety and depression over the unloved, abused and neglected children in the world.  I let my mind run wild and all I can think of is Luke in an abusive or neglecting household and I lose my sh*t.  I cry hysterically for long periods of time and I can’t dig myself out of it or distract myself.  It usually only happens at night, and it’s quite scary and upsetting. I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t know what to do about it.    I talked to my friend who is a psychologist and she said it’s very common and probably even amplified by my pregnancy.  I was always horrified (as we all are perhaps) by tv shows or the news that depict crimes against children.  But my feelings are on a whole new level.  I can’t explain it, it’s something that has just overtaken me and won’t let go.  She told me that the informal “therapy” for this is to redirect your thoughts, pray about it or do something about it so that you feel you are maybe contributing to the solution.  The redirecting of thoughts is difficult, but I have found myself at luke’s bedside while he sleeps, praying for all of the children of the world for a half hour or hour at a time.  Usually I have to leave because I’m crying so violently I’m afraid I will wake him.   I have donated to domestic violence and children’s charities online, and even reading about the charities and what they need makes me lose it.   I want to volunteer at one of the local ones but all of the volunteer times seem to be during the week when I work.  They also don’t want you to drop off your donations (not sure if it’s a safety issue?) but you have to call first.  

So I’ve been kind of dealing with this for awhile now and don’t really know what to do to combat it.  I don’t really want to distract myself only because I think it’s a worthy cause and to bury your head in the sand or pretend it doesn’t happen seems like something I shouldn’t do. But I know my current feelings on the subject and if I let myself I would cry 24/7 over it and not really have anything to do about it.  I think maybe I’ll continue to throw money at it and make donations to the local safe houses until I can get to a point in my life where I can do something about it and volunteer.  It's like I want to take them all into my safe little bubble and protect them, and obviously no one can do that. 

On a positive note, not to leave you feeling too depressed...today when M came home we were talking to Luke and asked him where the baby was.  He promptly went up to my belly and when asked to give the baby a kiss and hug, he DID IT!  That is the first time ever...he never acknowledged the baby like that before, but he kissed my belly and hugged it and put his head on my belly.  ADORABLE.  M tried to get it on video but Luke got distracted with his swiffer duster.  My man loves to clean :)