Striving

I strive to do this every day, for my baby and my unborn baby.  I promise to you both I will always put you first.  There is nothing in this world more important than you.

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/

How to Miss a Childhood

MAY 7, 2012

Each minute of every day, we are presented with a choice on how we spend our moments. We can either miss the moments or grasp them. This photo was taken at a time in my life when I was missing the moments and in doing so, I was missing more than life.

By sharing my own painful truths when it comes to the distractions of the modern age, I have gained an unexpected insight. In the 18 months this blog has existed, I have been privy to a new distraction confession every single day.

Up until now, I never knew what to do with this unusual collection of painful admissions from an overly connected society. But today, in a moment of clarity, I knew. And a woman with 35 years experience as a day care provider held the key.

It came as a message in my inbox after the woman read my post “The Children Have Spoken” which included heart-breaking observations from children themselves about their parents’ excessive phone use.

As soon as I read the first sentence of the caregiver’s email, I knew this message was different than any I had ever received. The hairs on my arms stood up as I absorbed each word that came uncomfortably close to home.

It was a voice of heartache, wisdom, and urgency speaking directly to the parents of the 21st century:

“I can recall a time when you were out with your children you were really with them. You engaged in a back and forth dialog even if they were pre-verbal. You said, ‘Look at the bus, see the doggie, etc.’ Now I see you on the phone, pushing your kids on the swings while distracted by your devices. You think you are spending time with them but you are not present really. When I see you pick up your kids at day care while you’re on the phone, it breaks my heart. They hear your adult conversations. What do they overhear? What is the message they receive? I am not important; I am not important.”

In a 100-word paragraph this concerned woman who has cared for babies since 1977 revealed a disturbing recipe … How to Miss a Childhood.

And because I possess hundreds of distraction confessions, including stories from my own former highly distracted life, I have all the damaging ingredients.

All it takes is one child and one phone and this tragic recipe can be yours.

How to Miss a Childhood
*Keep your phone turned on at all times of the day. Allow the rings, beeps, and buzzes to interrupt your child midsentence; always let the caller take priority.

*Carry your phone around so much that when you happen to leave it in one room your child will come running with it proudly in hand—treating it more like a much needed breathing apparatus than a communication device.

*Decide the app you’re playing is more important than throwing the ball in the yard with your kids. Even better, yell at them to leave you alone while you play your game.

*Take your children to the zoo and spend so much time on your phone that your child looks longingly at the mother who is engaged with her children and wishes she was with her instead.

*While you wait for the server to bring your food or the movie to start, get out your phone and stare at it despite the fact your child sits inches away longing for you talk to him.

*Go to your child’s sporting event and look up periodically from your phone thinking she won’t notice that you are not fully focused on her game.

*Check your phone first thing in the morning … even before you kiss, hug, or greet the people in your family.

*Neglect daily rituals like tucking your child into bed or nightly dinner conversation because you are too busy with your online activity.

*Don’t look up from your phone when your child speaks to you or just reply with an “uh huh” so she thinks you were listening.

*Lose your temper with your child when he “bothers” you while you are interacting with your hand-held electronic device.

*Give an exasperated sigh when your child asks you to push her on the swing. Can’t she see you’re busy?

*Use drive time to call other people regardless of the fact you could be talking to your kids about their day—or about their worries, their fears, or their dreams.

*Read email and text messages at stoplights. Then tell yourself that when your kids are old enough to drive they won’t remember you did this all the time.

*Have the phone to your ear when she gets in or out of the car. Convince yourself a loving hello or goodbye is highly overrated.

Follow this recipe and you will have:

• Missed opportunities for human connection

• Fewer chances to create beautiful memories

• Lack of connection to the people most precious to you

• Inability to really know your children and them unable to know you

• Overwhelming regret

If you find this recipe difficult to read—if you find that you have tears in your eyes, I thank you, and your child thanks you.

It is not easy to consider the possibility that the distractions of the modern age have taken an undeserved priority over the people who matter in your life. In fact, when I admitted this difficult truth to myself almost two years ago, I experienced an emotional breakdown. However, that breakdown became a breakthrough that propelled me to begin my life-changing “Hands Free” journey.

Here’s the thing: You don’t have to follow the above recipe. Yes, it is the 21st century. Yes, the whole world is online. Yes, the communications for your job are important. Yes, at times you must be readily available. But despite all those factors, you do not have to sacrifice your child’s childhood; nor do you have to sacrifice your life.

May I recommend this recipe instead?

How to Grasp a Childhood:

Look into her eyes when she speaks to you … Your uninterrupted gaze is love to your child

Take time to be with him—really be with him by giving your full attention … The gift of your total presence is love to your child.

Hold her hand, rub his back, listen to her heart beat, and smooth his hair … Your gentle touch is love to your child.

Greet her like you missed her when she was not in your presence … Seeing your face light up when you see her is love to your child

Play with him … Your involvement in his activities is love to your child

Set an example of being distraction-free while driving … Positive role modeling behind the wheel is love (and safety) to your child.

Create a distraction-free daily ritual … Consistently making him a priority each day is love to your child.

Focus and smile at her from the stands, sidelines, or the audience … Seeing the joy on your face as you watch is love to your child.

The recipe for “How to Grasp a Childhood” requires only one thing: You must put down your phone. Whether it is for ten minutes, two hours, or an entire Saturday, beautiful human connection, memory making, and parent-child bonding can occur every single time you let go of distraction to grasp what really matters.

The beautiful, life-changing results of your “Hands Free” action can start today … right now … the moment you put down the phone.

25 weeks

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something.   Like, this pregnancy has flown by so fast and I haven't really done anything to prepare for it.  I mean, I've ordered furniture, I have the doula, pediatrician, day care, cord blood kit, clothes, toys, feeding and bathing equipment.    But I haven't actually had to do anything to really get ready because we've done this before, and we've done it for a boy.  It seems like I'm missing something but I don't think that I am.  I guess I'll find out as we get closer.  M and I were commenting today about how the second time around it's hard enough to keep up with life as it's going on right now with Luke.  Maybe that's how second children get kind of lost in the shuffle- less likely to have a baby book, etc. :)  But I am going to try so hard not to do that to our second.  I want to treat it like the first, but I guess by design that can't be done.

He moves a lot in there at 25 weeks.  He kicks a lot during the day and at night I feel him the most when I'm in bed.  I can't wait to meet him to see what he looks like, and what kind of little personality he has.  I wonder if he'll be like Luke or the polar opposite.  It's so interesting to get to know your child's personality traits and I'm looking forward to spending a lot of time with him on maternity leave.

As far as the pregnancy goes-  I still get around quite well but I'm getting slower by the day.  I don't have any weird cravings or anything and no sciatica or numbness in my arms..yet :)  I am tired a lot but thats from chasing around Mr. Luke.   Luke now lifts up my shirt and kisses and/or hugs the "baby" on command.  If you ask him where the baby is he'll point to my belly.  Sometimes he hauls off and smacks my belly really hard, and we have to re-emphasize that we must "do nice" to the baby and use our "gentle hands".  LOL.  Heaven help the new baby :)  When Luke is with his smaller cousins, instead of taking something away from them and saying "no!", we talk about sharing and being nice.  Then he usually comes around and will give a toy or binky to the younger cousin.  He's putting it all together more and more every day.

I scheduled family/maternity/holiday photos for tomorrow.  Of course, in spite of some of the nice weather we've been having, it's supposed to be 17 degrees and windy.  I just made the call to postpone until next Sunday, since our plan is to be outside.   We are going to be using Lightworks Photography this time, instead of other photographers we've used in the past.  I'm just trying to get one person that I really like and I want to continue to use them throughout the years if possible.  If we like these guys, I'm going to book them for newborn photos at the house in mid March.  I'm excited because she has some really good ideas and takes my pinterest board seriously :)  We hope to use these pictures as our 2013 holiday card, so I'm pretty stoked to see what they will look like.

23 weeks

I’m having a little bit of an issue I don’t remember having last time.   I have anxiety and depression over the unloved, abused and neglected children in the world.  I let my mind run wild and all I can think of is Luke in an abusive or neglecting household and I lose my sh*t.  I cry hysterically for long periods of time and I can’t dig myself out of it or distract myself.  It usually only happens at night, and it’s quite scary and upsetting. I’ve never felt like this before and I don’t know what to do about it.    I talked to my friend who is a psychologist and she said it’s very common and probably even amplified by my pregnancy.  I was always horrified (as we all are perhaps) by tv shows or the news that depict crimes against children.  But my feelings are on a whole new level.  I can’t explain it, it’s something that has just overtaken me and won’t let go.  She told me that the informal “therapy” for this is to redirect your thoughts, pray about it or do something about it so that you feel you are maybe contributing to the solution.  The redirecting of thoughts is difficult, but I have found myself at luke’s bedside while he sleeps, praying for all of the children of the world for a half hour or hour at a time.  Usually I have to leave because I’m crying so violently I’m afraid I will wake him.   I have donated to domestic violence and children’s charities online, and even reading about the charities and what they need makes me lose it.   I want to volunteer at one of the local ones but all of the volunteer times seem to be during the week when I work.  They also don’t want you to drop off your donations (not sure if it’s a safety issue?) but you have to call first.  

So I’ve been kind of dealing with this for awhile now and don’t really know what to do to combat it.  I don’t really want to distract myself only because I think it’s a worthy cause and to bury your head in the sand or pretend it doesn’t happen seems like something I shouldn’t do. But I know my current feelings on the subject and if I let myself I would cry 24/7 over it and not really have anything to do about it.  I think maybe I’ll continue to throw money at it and make donations to the local safe houses until I can get to a point in my life where I can do something about it and volunteer.  It's like I want to take them all into my safe little bubble and protect them, and obviously no one can do that. 

On a positive note, not to leave you feeling too depressed...today when M came home we were talking to Luke and asked him where the baby was.  He promptly went up to my belly and when asked to give the baby a kiss and hug, he DID IT!  That is the first time ever...he never acknowledged the baby like that before, but he kissed my belly and hugged it and put his head on my belly.  ADORABLE.  M tried to get it on video but Luke got distracted with his swiffer duster.  My man loves to clean :)

20 weeks- halfway point!

This week marks the halfway point of my second pregnancy! I can’t believe I’m actually writing those words. The fact that we are in this place is so unbelievable to us and we are so incredibly excited!

The last few weeks have been kind of tough bc M has been on his 6 week outage- 7 days a week 13 hrs a day! So I have been playing single mom- maybe because I haven’t been doing it that long yet but it’s not as bad as I imagined.  Don’t get me wrong, we need two parents to raise these kids! But….I am enjoying my alone time and play time with Luke in the evenings.  He is such a special little person and I love spending time with him!

Today I ordered the new baby’s furniture.  I got the exact same Baby’s Dream Legendary furniture as we got Luke, except in the Cinnamon color instead of Espresso.  Everything else is from Luke’s nursery (sorry new baby!) including the rug, recliner and wall art.   I have to get another diaper genie and double stroller/car seat but otherwise I think we are set!  My cousin gave me all of her new baby’s newborn and 3 month clothes, and combined with the existing set I had this baby is going to get to wear a new outfit every day of the first 3 months he is born! 

I am now going to my new/old OBGYN that admits to Chester County Hospital.  I went to them for the 5 month appointment last week and met with the doctor the doula Nikki wanted me to go to because she was doula and VBAC friendly, and also willing to let me go until 42 weeks. All seems to be going well; I met the sweetest nurse that I hope to keep seeing during my upcoming visits to their KSQ office.  She was also an infertility patient with my doctor but has not had success yet.  What a job to have!  Around babies and pregnant women all day when you are having trouble yourself! She seemed to be a very sweet person and I completely feel her pain!  We spent most of my hour appointment talking about her situation because I just wanted to listen to her and have her feel like someone understood.  I almost sent her this blog ;)  Maybe she’ll find it on her own.  

Yesterday I had the normal 20 week level 2 ultrasound/anatomy scan at Maternal/fetal medicine of Chester County Hospital.  I was there for about an hour and a half and the little guy is just making a huge ruckus in there!  I don’t feel him that often, but judging by the movement on the screen he will not be the laid back one! He was moving around so much and stretching, putting his arms up, etc.  Everything is wonderfully NORMAL and uneventful.  Just how I like it, I’ve had enough excitement in my life, normal is good-

This week we are getting a new ceiling fan installed in our room to replace the 10 yr old one that is now gray instead of white. Also, in Luke’s big boy room we are getting one installed because there was not an existing one and his room has no light and also will probably get hot in the summer.  I think that should do it for house projects before the baby comes- I need to relax with spending all of M’s outage money! Well…maybe after the outage and into the new year M can start the basement- we are going to need that play room before we know it! Our upstairs is starting to be over taken with toys and it’s only going to get worse…

As far as my own physical and emotional (ha) health right now, I would say things are pretty status quo. I am still seeing my chiropractor on a monthly basis and that seems to have helped relieve some/all of my previous back pain and my sciatica is at a minimum.  I have gained approx 12 lbs so far and I swear 5 of it is boob weight J  I have cravings still for cheese, but I can keep my meat cravings at bay if I have veggie cheese pizza every night. I’ve been eating risotto, veggie chili, pizza, greek and cesear salads, and candy.  Candy is my vice- not even desserts. I could care less about cake, brownies and dare I say in this fall season…pumpkin.  I usually am a pumpkin freak but honestly I don’t even really care if I have pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. I’m trying to think if there is any one thing I could eat every day, and I would have to say it is PIZZA.  I don’t care what kind either- veggie, tomato pie, regular plain cheese- just pizza pizza pizza.  Maybe it’s the carbs- but I love bread. I’ve been eating bagels with cream cheese too like it’s going out of style, and apples, peaches and plums.   Anything that’s easy to prepare- given that I was thinking about outsourcing my food prep a few short weeks ago.  I think I’m off that topic for now- but when the second baby comes perhaps we’ll revisit that to help with weight loss, too..

All in all I would say this is going quite well and I’m looking forward to a very low profile pregnancy for the next half J

19 weeks

I can't believe this pregnancy is almost halfway through.  I feel like I have had zero time to enjoy it, between all of the testing up through 13 weeks and now with work being so busy and M working lots of overtime.  It's difficult to stop and smell the roses and just relax.  It is definitely difficult being pregnant with a 15 month old running around non stop.   I can't play and roll around with him like I want to.  I am definitely getting bigger...but got on the scale yesterday and I'm only up around 8 lbs from starting weight.  That is definitely good compared to last time!

A few weeks ago we had our upstairs hardwood floors finished and moved Luke into the big boy room.  I am 6 weeks into an area rug search for the hallway and our master bedroom.  This feels like the granite fiasco just before Luke was born- at least I didn't wait until I was 30 weeks pregnant to start this task!  Next week an electrician is coming to install a new ceiling fan in our bedroom and a ceiling fan with light in Luke's new big boy bedroom (that didn't have a fan before).  Luke is officially all set up with his new big boy room and decor!

I am scheduled to go to my brand new (but old) OBGYN this week.  I am excited to hear what they have to say about VBAC and they come highly recommended from doula Nikki.  I also let day care know to hold a spot for me in August 2014 for this new little bundle!  We have day care, pediatrician, hospital, doula all arranged! I think I just have to order the furniture and the cord blood kit and we are all good.   Although, now that I'm thinking about it, I'll probably need a double stroller, another diaper genie and to transition Luke into a toddler carseat so the baby can have the other car seat.  Man, maybe I do need a list after all...I was thinking this one was so much easier because we did everything and have everything already...

I feel the little guy kicking in there every couple of days.  I can't remember if I felt more last time, but sometimes I have to doppler because I get nervous.  My appetite has been very weird lately, I'm not really that hungry or craving much of anything.  I only eat because I have to- not because I necessarily want anything.  If you can believe it, I don't even care that much if I have sweets or ice cream.  I am not sure if it's because I'm busy with a toddler, but there's not a whole lot of time for mama to eat.  I think I need to outsource food preparation ;)

17 weeks

My sweet baby boy. I am so lucky to be your mama!!   There is so much we are preparing for you!

This week we had contractors in to do the entire upstairs of our house in hardwood floors.  We moved your big brother into his new room in order to prepare your room! Everything looks great so far- just have to order your furniture and we will be ready for your arrival!  You have been moving around a lot more lately and I feel you especially at night.  I have some sciatic pain coming back  as we move forward, but the numbness has not returned- yet.  I keep waiting for that to come back, but maybe with my regular chiropractic care we can ward some of it off.

I have switched doctors yet again.  After signing up doula Nikki again for the birth, I have decided to go back to my original OBGYN that handled my miscarriages back in 2010/2011 because their practice and hospital has the lowest c section rate in the tri state area.  Since I'm trying for a VBAC, they apparently will stop at nothing  to get you one if that's what you desire. Sold!

I am wondering how Luke will handle the new baby.  When I am around his little cousins who are 6 months younger than he is, he gets very protective and wants to cuddle in my lap. It's very interesting to see him act that way because usually he is very independent.   I am sure it will work out but I just hope he knows that I have room enough in my heart for everyone and he will always be my first baby!

And my second baby- we may have decided on a name for you.  I think we are almost positive you will be Shaun Patrick.  It was weird just writing that. I've only been saying it so far.  Not sure if we like Sean Patrick or Shaun Patrick.  Regardless, being born around St. Patrick's day was pretty much a given that you were going to have a very , very Irish name.  Daddy is so proud!  Because Luke is so light, I can pretty much guarantee that irish Shaun Patrick will be the darkest italian looking kid you've ever seen ;)

17 weeks 1 day with Luke

15 weeks

Now that I'm into my second trimester (which really flew this time, btw), I am able to focus more on enjoying this pregnancy.  Because let's face it, this is probably it for me.   These were my child bearing years- the last 3, almost 4, years.  I'm turning 34 in about a month and I really don't want to have another baby past 35.   Unless it's with my frozen embryo made from a 31 year old's eggs ;)  My 31 year old eggs.  Yeah, more on that later- maybe I'm not done.

I have been feeling really good so far.  First trimester was uneventful outside of the CVS debacle.  I have been feeling good (though tired) and crazy cravings are waning.  I'm back on salads and non- pizza foods.  I have been trying to eat healthy- veggies, salads, back to cooking vegetarian dinners at least twice a week.  I have indulged in a few sodas and definitely candy and goodies.  Surprisingly by the picture, I'm only up about 8 lbs from my starting weight so far.  I think this time in my last pregnancy I was up 10+ lbs from the start.

A week or so ago, after I got my final results, I told work my news.  It was so nice that everyone was happy for me, even though I know my supervisor is probably thinking how annoying it is to have another girl out on maternity leave.  Is it wrong that I am counting down the days already.  I am going to ask for another 4 months off and I hope I get it.  I am so not in a motivated place right now.