41 weeks- why am I surprised?

Well, here I am again.  The place I thought I couldn't possibly go this time.  Overdue-land.  I don't know why I am surprised that I have made it this far again. I should have known.  Doula Nikki said so.  I know to trust her.

It was another great week of being off and getting things done. I detailed my master bathroom- 2 hours worth of cleaning in one single room.  Went to chiropractor, lunch with mom, dealt with some contractors at my house related to the basement construction.  Got to do some flower arranging for the spring and do more organizing of kitchen and bathroom.  But each night I end up empty.  No contractions to speak of (aside from braxton hicks), and all I do is drink red raspberry leaf tea and stick evening primrose pills up my hoo-ha in attempt to soften my cervix.

All to find out at today's appointment that I'm no more than a fingertip dilated and no softening to speak of.  The doc even attempted to "stretch" me to 1cm and sweep my membranes but couldn't get up there to do it.  Nice.  Why is this happening to me?  I want this more than anything to go into labor on my own and my body just refuses to cooperate.   I think it's because I have done so much research and want this so bad that for some reason Murphy's law is kicking.  I just want to have a pity party for myself today.  However, after some googling I found out that it's pretty much impossible for a woman not to dilate.  There are usually either one of two things going on: 1) she is not emotionally ready or 2) the baby is malpositioned and the head is not exerting enough pressure on the cervix to thin and dilate. For Luke, it was #2.  He wasn't positioned correctly and was never going to come out the way he was.  But, no one tried to do any techniques on me to try to help that.   I tend to think that this baby might have the same issue.  He is probably chin up (he is supposed to tuck his chin) and that will cause his crown to push on the cervix and send the signal that we are ready.

I was reading spinningbabies.com to try to see some techniques to help him into position (if he's not already).  Just to be safe.  I know he is at least head down but the doc says she can't tell what position he's in until he engages in the pelvis more.  But he won't engage unless he's in the right position.  Catch- 22.  So now what?

I spent most of the afternoon feeling sorry for myself, after 3 full hours at the doc office- 1.5 hrs of wait time, 30 minutes with the doc, 30 minutes doing non-stress testing, and 30 minutes of scheduling & talking to nurses.  Now I am just trying to forget about it for the weekend and enjoy myself.  As doula Nikki says, this is not a battle I'm going to win by fighting.  She tells me I have to surrender, but it is so hard.  I reserve the right to feel crappy and that's just the way it's going to be for now.

40 weeks- still hanging on

I don't know why it's surprising to me that I'm still hanging on at 40 weeks with my second baby. Everyone said "oh, second babies come faster, sooner"...blah blah.  WRONG.   Well, wrong so far.  At my 39 week appointment there was zero news to speak of as usual.  Closed and high cervix with no dilation.  It just messes with my mind. I am not sure what it is about my body that refuses to understand that 40 weeks is about the time to start releasing the baby!  Maybe I don't produce a hormone that other people do that makes the body start to do it's thing?    I got a a chiropractic adjustment this morning, stim on my shoulder and a prenatal massage this afternoon- not to mention a pressure point pedicure yesterday.  My next step is acupuncture, red raspberry leaf tea and evening primrose oil to get things going.  And I know I should try doing "other" things with M, but we are both so exhausted the thought of it makes me cringe.  Sorry, baby ;)

Other than waiting for Mr. Sean, starting maternity leave on Monday was the best thing ever.   I wrapped up everything at work February 28 and left the office feeling so free last week.  Of course, my first "official" day on maternity leave was a snow day for Luke's school so we were home together and I was exhausted, but we got through it.  The last few days have been bliss and I have gotten so much done!  I have lunched with friends and my parents, and the next few days I'm not going to leave the house.  Two of my girlfriends are pregnant and due this summer- one just found out she's having a boy, and the other is having a girl.  It is such an exciting time for everyone and I can't wait to go to more baby showers this summer while I'm off.  I'm going to be so spoiled and I know going back to work is going to be harder this time than it was last time. I already know that.  And the fact that I'm never going to have another maternity leave / "vacation" again makes me really sad.  BUT- let's not go there.  That's a long time away and we have a lot of basement work to do on the house so we need every penny.  But maybe we can revisit "part time" or even another company because my company is probably going to work me into the ground when I go back.  I feel like it's going to be punishment for being out so long.

Today I am so grateful to be sitting with my feet up and just relaxing until my 40 week appointment today.  I am not expecting much.

Baby Sean we can't wait to meet you!!  These are our last few days as a family of 3 and the time was so fleeting!  I am so happy to be graduating to a family of 4 and you are going to be the perfect addition to the Hufford family!

38 weeks- more winter storms and croup

We are zombies.  We are so tired.  I am so tired.  Last day of work is officially Feb 28, which is one week from yesterday.  I absolutely could not do one more day. The start of a full five months off will be glorious and even if baby Sean is late, I will have a couple of weeks to myself just to lounge around like the lazy prego mama I am.  I feel like such a sloth, but I have to do this for survival. I feel myself shutting down.  But in typical Type A fashion, even as I'm "shutting down", I'm making lists for things I will do during my 3 week "vacation" before the baby comes...because I'm pretty sure he'll be stretching it until 42 weeks.

At both my 37 and 38 week appointments, my cervix is closed and high.  The doctor's exact words were "your cervix doesn't seem to know you are even pregnant!".  Nice, exactly what I wanted to hear. I keep meaning to email doula Nikki to make me feel better. But I will see her tomorrow morning for coffee with my cousin Rachael. I guess it's still early- if I'm like that at 40 weeks then I'm going to start to worry.  Please, God, no surgery.  I don't care about being uncomfortable or anxious, I just really really really don't want surgery and I want a shot to do this right!

We have continued the crazy winter here in Chester County, PA.  Ice, snow, freezing mess on the roads.  Can't wait for spring! Poor Luke had croup again this week, second time this winter and evidence of how being indoors just completely stinks! Today it was 50 degrees out so there were lots of kids outside and we took Luke outside too just to get some fresh air! We got the first "lice" letter of the year as well- apparently it's common in school to have a break out of lice every year.  I was itching as soon as I heard about it and though it looks like we are in the clear, everything went into hot wash water this week.  Between croup, lice and 38 weeks pregnant I'm about done with this week!

M is working on the basement as much as he can before the baby comes- the plumber, cabinet person and radon remediator come this week, as well as my polyshutter installation in the family room.  One last big push before the baby halts all house work for awhile.  Having the basement done will provide much needed space, and a future playroom for the boys that will keep my upstairs looking presentable for company :)  I don't know what people did before Pinterest...I am addicted!

We had dinner tonight one last time with my brothers and sisters in law before the baby. We were trying to recollect the last time we had done it, and decided it had been at least two years, maybe more.  We went to a restaurant that was about halfway for all of us, did a 6pm start and didn't leave until 9pm!  It was so much fun to catch up with them without kids around- we love our kids but they are a big distraction and you never get to just chat with the adults because you are always worrying about who is pushing or stealing a toy from who. Quite relaxing, even if i couldn't partake in the BYOB beverages and limoncello after dinner drink.

Well, a little less than two weeks til the official due date.  I hope this is going to be my last entry before 40 weeks but I think I know myself better.  These boys just love this mama's uterus!

36 weeks - ice storm & winter from h e double hockey sticks

This is what 36 weeks looks like.

I don't know how I'm going to do another 4, possibly 6, weeks of this. I don't remember feeling this way last time.  I don't remember the tiredness that starts at about 9am and doesn't let up until I fall into bed around 8pm. My brain is mush and my body can barely function sometimes.  Going to work is like running a marathon and when you get to the end, you have to run some more.  Thank goodness the cleaners come every other week.  I just spent 5 hours today doing food prep/freeze for when the baby comes.  I made 4 vegan lentil loaves and 12 stuffed peppers. My mom is going to make 2 veggie lasagnas and I think we'll be all set for at least 2 mos after the baby is born.  When asked, I will tell people to just bring food so I don't have to cook- ever again!  I was thinking about healthychefcreations.com for when I go back to work- an organic (and can be vegan) food delivery service.  There just isn't enough time to do anything but work and come home/eat/bath/bed and I know it's about to get even more crazy.

We have had the worst winter here in the NE US.  We have had more snow than I can remember in the  last 5 years, and this week was no exception.  Monday we had a snow storm followed by an ice storm on Wednesday.  Of course with work, we were in the month-end close which is the time when you are not allowed to be off at all.  My work is ridiculous and crazy and I always say on this maternity leave I'm looking for another job (4 days/week).  Wednesday with the ice storm we lose power and don't get it back until sometime on Thursday, so the three of us slept at my parents' house that night.  I was so thankful we had the option but it's hard when you get out of your normal routine during the week.  By Friday I was so exhausted I had to cancel a playdate for Saturday with an old friend because I just couldn't stand to do one more thing.  It was just an exhausting week overall.  

I had my 36 week appointment- blood pressure looking good, no other issues to note.  Got my group B strep test but no results yet.  No dilation or effacement yet, measuring on track and heart beat sounding good! Sean is head down and ready to come out!  I swear he moves so much he is trying to get out.  I have Braxton Hicks a lot, especially at night and especially this week when I was under so much stress with work and the weather.   They were almost painful and not just tightness in my abdomen.  Again, I don't really remember these last time, but I was reading that the stronger they get the closer labor might be.  I don't want to have the baby this early, but in another few weeks wouldn't be so bad ;)   

34 weeks- Reflections on my last pregnancy

I had my 34 week appointment this week and all is looking good!  I am tipping the scales at +40 lbs from my starting weight, which is pretty much where I was last time I think.  I am having Braxton Hicks contractions pretty regularly, and also very mild cramps.  I had to ask the doctor this week for a note saying I should only be working 40 hours/week because the last few weeks have been absolutely horrible at work.  Not to mention the 3 times I've been to the pediatrician with Luke in the last 3 weeks (ear infection, croupe, ear infection)...and 4 snow days.  I am completely exhausted and really nearing the end of my rope.  M has been so great helping out with Luke - every weekend morning he gets up with Luke and lets me sleep in.  I am definitely excited to get my body back and be able to get on the ground and really play with the babies!

Speaking of getting my pregnancy body back, I am acutely aware that this will probably be the last time I'm pregnant in my life.  It is so interesting that I've waited my whole life to have the "child bearing" years, and after all of the IVF and infertility trials, I am coming to the end of this road.  It is bittersweet for me.  M said it the other day, and I didn't even realize he was thinking of it too.  He said "I will miss pregnant Mariana".  I will miss knowing the feeling of someone kicking me in the middle of the night :)....the way I cherish the fact that I'm the one who knew him first.  Both of my babies are such miracles in their own right (but aren't all the babies of the world?)....the fact that I was able to have them will never cease to amaze me.  My only fear is that they don't realize how perfect and wanted they are.  I will miss my maternity clothes- and the fact that skinny jeans and stretch pants aren't as daunting to me when I'm pregnant.  Flaunting the curves and the belly is so liberating after living a life of always thinking you are "fat".  I will miss being waited on and given concessions.  But most of all, I will miss the feeling of youth itself. These are the fertile, youthful, vital years where we are supposed to be a the top of our game- feeling good, looking good, doing good things.  I realize those years are fleeting and I'm trying to hold on- and pregnancy helps me do that.  But you can't stop time.

32 weeks- Year End and Play dates

After every holiday season there is the dreaded year-end at my work.  Since I'm an accountant, we close the books for our company on 12/31 and the next 3-6 weeks are horrible.   I should be used to it by now but this year is especially hard being in the third trimester.  I just got done working 12 out of the last 14 days and I am exhausted.  Some of the nights were later- 9 or 10pm being the latest, 6pm being the earliest. But this past Friday I got out at 5pm and it was lovely! I also got told by the security guard at my work " you still have 8 weeks to go? You are huge!"  Thanks.  Yes, I realize I am waddling like a penguin and people move out of my way in the hallways for fear that I possibly won't fit, but you shouldn't say something like that to a pregnant woman!

We had a play date today with my friend Jenna and her two kids, Reagan (5) and Wyatt (3.5).  They were so well behaved, it was so enjoyable! I hadn't seen Jenna in about 6 months, and I had never met Wyatt but the last time I saw Reagan she was about 18  months.   Jenna & I try to get get together just us twice a year, but it was great to hang out with her kids and have them meet Luke.  Jenna has never met Luke, and she just found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant again.  The kids played so nicely together and me and Jenna actually got to catch up a bit.  They were only here a little over two hours and it was just right.  Below is a pic of me & Jenna in our younger, LBI shore house days (Summer 2005)- I was 25 and she was about 31.  Fast forward to us now - Im almost 35 and she just turned 40...phew I can't believe it.

Feeling extra tired these last few weeks, as always.  My leg and lower back have been hurting and I have been enjoying some massages from the hubby.  Baby Sean has been moving a lot and keeping me up a bit at night.   M changed the middle name-  we decided on Sean Edward.  He changed his mind from Patrick because Luke's middle name is Michael and he decided that our second boy's middle name should be his middle name.  So we have Edward.  We went from Shaun Patrick to Sean Edward.  I would still like to reconsider the spelling of the first name- but I don't want to really press it that much.  

In a couple of weeks I'm going to be having lunch with doula Nikki to talk about the birth plan, or lack thereof.  Then a few weeks after that my cousin Michael and his wife Rachel (who used Nikki also) are having all of us as couples over to their house for dinner- which is so nice! I am really looking forward to that date night.  So I will get to see her a few times hopefully before the birth, and I really hope she's able to attend mine because I haven't met her partner Christina and I really just need Nikki there.  But I know it will work out and I won't stress about it.  Frankly, I really don't want to stress about anything labor/birth related this time. I just heard a story from a guy I work with who's wife just had a baby two weeks ago, and she wanted to go natural.  She was 3 cm about 3 weeks before her due date, and went into full labor 1 week before her due date.  She was 7cm by the time she  got to the hospital!  She made it so far...but ended up getting an epidural anyway.  Man, I would be lucky to make it that far.  If I was that far along that would be a dream.

30 weeks- bigger by the day

Ok, so I looked on my blog last time at my 30 week picture, and I am definitely bigger at this point than I was last time.  I have random people coming up to me saying "any day now huh?".  Meanwhile, I want to cry as I tell them no, possibly 8-10 more weeks to go.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get much bigger, but I know I can do it.  My belly button is fully out and stretch marks already existing are turning red again.  Ah well- the perks of pregnancy!  Thank you Lord for letting me be pregnant again and exhibit these amazing signs that I am growing another miracle baby!

Lately I am tired.  Just...tired.  I remember being tired last time, but not at 30 weeks.  More like at 34 or 35 weeks.  I sleep 10 hours a night and am still tired after all of that.  I have been on holiday break since Dec 20 and am thanking my lucky stars that M has been off this whole time (he goes back tomorrow) with me.  He has gotten up with Luke every morning, entertained him during the day, and even put him down at night and for naps.  He has changed almost every diaper and carries him around when I cannot.  He is amazing and I am so grateful for everything he has done.  When he goes back to work tomorrow and I'm home the next two days with Mr. Luke I will miss him very much! Time to call on Mimi :)   I don't have any aches and pains per se, just fatigue and general tiredness when walking. I need to sit most of the time.  The baby is moving around a lot and I think he's running out of room in there. I love when I can see a little body part poking out of my belly when he moves around.     I am still making it through the night without having to get up to use the bathroom, which is a god send!   I can't carry 23 pounds of Luke, however.  I can pick him up maybe for 30 seconds but that is it.  He is just too heavy and my belly is just too big.  I can't wait until I can pick him up again and keep him for as long as he likes. Though, he's going to have to make room for baby Sean in the BabyBjorn :)

We had a beautiful holiday week.  Christmas Eve with the in law's in Philly and Christmas Day in Chester County with my family went perfectly!  Then, we went to Oasis family fun center the day after Christmas with Uncle Doug and Dylan and Delaney- Luke had a blast there as well.  Friday night we had dinner at Mimi's and Saturday night Mimi took Luke over night so me & M could do an adult dinner out with my cousin and her husband.  It was much needed adult time and so good to catch up with them!  Today we are capping it off with some football and inside time, as it is raining cats & dogs outside!  Luke is playing with all of his new Christmas toys and I am hopeful the novelty will not wear off any time soon.  I should hide some of them for a later date to keep everything new.

 I have to keep remembering that this will end and one day I will look back on this time and remember how precious it was.  My little babies will be all grown up and move away, and I will remember how close we were and long for those days.  I do love my life- everything about it.  Going through this journey with M and now Luke has been more than I could have ever hoped for.  Although my days lately are just full of fatigue and lethargy :) I know when I have the new baby I will be energized and ready to go.  It will be a struggle for awhile as we find the schedule for the new baby, but once we are settled in I know being the mother of two boys will be the most fulfilling feeling I will ever have.