9 week scare

Yesterday started out normal, just feeling a little queasy.  I have started to feel famished every 2-3 hours so I am eating a lot of little snacks throughout the day.  I was at work, and around 5pm I went to the restroom.  I had been wearing a liner because of the Crinone leakage, and I looked down and there was blood soaking the pad (sorry, graphic material ahead).  I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood gushing out all over.  However, I did not have cramps at all and was not in pain.  My heart was pounding so I left work immediately and called the answering service at my RE’s office.  My doc was on call and called me back immediately.  I told him what happened and his first question was about cramping.  He said that if I didn’t have cramps, that it was a good sign…apparently sometimes capillaries burst or the placenta pulls away from the uterus (sub -chorionic hemorrhage).  That is not dangerous for the baby, just results in a lot of blood sometimes lasting 24-36 hours.  He told me to lie down for the rest of the night, don’t aggravate the situation, and to come in first thing in the morning for a scan.  It seems like just as fast as the bleeding started, it stopped.  I mean, didn’t even taper off.   It was bizarre but I followed his orders and M did not let me move all night.  It was really nice to be waited on J

So I went in this morning for an ultrasound at 830am and confirmed that all looked good.  He is still there, heart beating at 169bpm and measuring 2.5cm (9w1d).  But they never tell you about this stuff, do they?  I googled it last night and apparently everyone and their mother is bleeding with no cramps and all the babies are just fine.  I used to make fun of those people on shows like “I didn’t know I was Pregnant”, but maybe with all the spotting, bleeding, and capillaries bursting, if you weren’t trying to get pregnant, maybe you just wouldn’t know better?  Nah, I still don’t buy it.

8w3d - Happy Veterans Day

I am starting to finally feel like I can breathe.  There, I just jinxed myself.  Damn.  But seriously, my progesterone went from 4 to 24 in 4 days of just being back on my shots, HcG has plateaued and the big man grew to 2cm as of today.  I went to an appointment on Tuesday to check my progesterone and got an 8 week picture of the little nugget

Today he was even bigger and I just can’t get over the rapid change I’m witnessing.  His profile is below and head is down, buns are in the air.  This isn’t even the best view I saw.  On the monitor, I got to see the front (or back?) view and I saw the outline of his head, little nubby arms and legs. It was AMAZING.

So they are going to see me one last time next week, when I am 9w3d, but they said they don’t like anyone to go more than 2 weeks without an ultrasound.  My first OBGYN appointment is scheduled for December 9 (right after I hit 12 weeks, God willing) so hopefully my RE will keep me until 10 weeks then at 12 weeks I’ll have more pictures and peace of mind.  I am still petrified of losing this baby but I have to continue to hide it from certain people in my life.    But every week it does get easier- I don’t even have breakdowns before my appointments anymore.  Although something about putting my feet in stirrups for an internal ultrasound does tense me up right before it happens.

In other news, the fetal doppler that M ordered last week arrived yesterday. The heartbeat thing blows my mind- it starts at about 5 or 6 weeks gestation and if all goes well will continue to beat for 90 years!  God is so GREAT!  Anyway, last night I got lubed up with u/s gel (gross) and prodded for a good half hour while M attempted to locate a heartbeat I'm convinced is too quiet for us to hear yet.  Maybe in another week or so, but I definitely think it is too early.  Of course, I have no choice in the matter and will be subjected to nightly prodding until then.  But, whatever makes the man happy :-)  He's been waiting even longer than I have for these moments.  I suppose we should start to enjoy them.

Lastly, I would like to wish a Happy Veterans Day to those who are serving and have served, including my father. 

You have served your country.
You have returned to tell
Of the bravery and loyalty
Of those you knew so well.
You may have prowled through jungles
Of Borneo, Laos or Vietnam.
You may have encountered other struggles
In Egypt, Iraq or Afghanistan.
May we share with others what we have learned
With those who need to know -
That respect and loyalty are earned
And that citations are not just for show.
We can never thank you for all that you have done.
For we know that some gave all, but all gave some.
So as we pause this day to muse
On all the sordid daily news.
Let us say a prayer and a word of thanks
For those now serving in the ranks.

8 weeks

I went in this morning for the follow up to last Friday’s progesterone drop.  I found out that two weeks ago, my progesterone was 17, and last week it was 4, which was well below normal range and obviously a significant/alarming event.  They didn’t know it, but I had stopped taking my progesterone, so they doubled my dose.  I, on the other hand, just went back to the normal dose I had stopped taking.  I haven’t heard from them today to tell me to change anything, so I’m assuming we are back to normal.  I also got a u/s this morning and he’s measuring 16.9mm, heart is beating at 160bpm and he was measuring 8w5d which is WAY ahead of what I thought based on last Friday.  He should only be around 8 weeks today which is what I’m going to say he is, because the u/s tech did say that some of the machines measure differently.  But THAT different??  Wow.  So as of right now I am content knowing that he is ok.  The nurse today said that 20mm is a significant milestone for them as far as fetus growth is concerned. I asked her why, and she told me, but now I forget (pregnancy brain!).  So we have another couple millimeters to go and should get there by Friday.   

This week Mike rented a fetal doppler for us to use until I can feel movement. On the one hand, I’m excited to be able to check on him at any time to make sure he’s still alive and kicking – until he can ACTUALLY kick.  But on the other hand….what if I don’t hear the heart beat one day?  That will cause more anxiety than anything else.  And then what am I supposed to do- call the doctor and say “I’ve been using a fetal doppler and don’t hear the heart, can I come in?”.   I feel like that will make me the freaky worry wart mom that I am trying NOT to be.  Though it would inform me of a problem before anything else….but if everything is ok and we don’t know how to use it then we may be doing ourselves a disservice.   I guess it doesn’t matter- that fetal doppler shipped today and we’re getting to the point in the pregnancy that we SHOULD be able to hear the heart. 

I am feeling pretty good for the most part.  The nausea I had week 6/7 (which felt like FOREVER) is now subsiding a little bit, and so has my tiredness.  I still sleep 9 or 10 hours a night which is what I feel like I NEED, but I feel less tired during the day and I think am less likely to nap.  Though I did nap last Saturday and it was amazing…I don’t know why I fight the nap.  I feel less bloated and am still fitting in normal pants for now, but I think in the next couple of weeks I’m going to pop a button.  I am trying not to eat for two but my stomach is always growling.   I don’t want to use this as a license to eat but it’s really hard considering all I want is PB&J, ice cream, and sweets.  Or pasta.  I could go for stuffed shells tonight, I think that’s what I’ll make. Yummm

7w3d..mixed reviews

This morning was even worse than last Friday.  I had two full breakdowns before I got to the doc's office. But we got through it today and will forge on to another week!  Heartbeat is at 140bpm up from 120bpm last week.  Our little nugget has doubled in size and I saw the heartbeat flickering away. 

  

I told the u/s tech that for the past couple of days I have had bloating and pain in my back.  She located some follicles that apparently had burst and we could see the fluid around them.  They said it wasn't a big deal and I was just glad it wasn't the ectopic pregnancy I had been dreading.  

Everything looked great according to the doctor, no bleeding around the pregnancy, significant growth and strong heartbeat.  He asked how I was feeling, and I told him about the nausea, bloating, fatigue and spotting during the last week. He seemed surprised at the spotting but said it was probably from my cervix not from the pregnancy. I should have known there would be an issue when the nurses called me today with results from my bloodwork- they never call if all is well.  They said that my HcG is around 92,000 which is a good, stable number, but my progesterone had dropped significantly from the prior appointment.  What I didn't tell them, though, is that I had stopped taking my progesterone shots one week ago.  It was stupid and reckless, but I couldn't take one more shot in my butt.  I thought if everything was right, my body would take over and do what it was supposed to do.  Unfortunately, I was mistaken and as of today I am taking all the shots in my butt one person can handle.  I will never divert from their instructions again, and I am completely freaking out at the thought of losing this pregnancy.  My next appointment is Tuesday morning to check my progesterone levels again, and since I'm being a good little patient, hopefully they are up.

6w3d- Stero Heart

This cycle of weekly ultrasounds is going to send me to an early grave.  Every Friday is the same- I wake up with nausea and overwhelming nervousness, too sick to eat breakfast, too sick to think about anything else but having my life ruined with one wave of a magic ultrasound wand.  I get to the RE's office and in two seconds the ultrasound is finished and all is right with the world...until next week.  We are happy for about 3 days then towards mid- week the cycle begins again.  Depression, nervousness, crying...until a heartbeat is re-confirmed and all is good again.  I get to do this at least 6 more times until December- awesome!! But I really can't complain, it is a good problem to have because it means I'm pregnant and things are progressing.

This morning I saw a heartbeat flicker from the little peanut on the ultrasound monitor. We've been here before, but I have to believe that this time is different.  I hope this time is different.

I have been sick in the mornings lately, and at about 10am like clockwork it goes away.  The fatigue at this stage is getting worse, I am so tired and if I'm up past 9pm I slur my words and get glassy eyed like I'm drunk.  My appetite is up and down- I don't know what I want to eat most of the time, but am so hungry.  Nothing really appeals to me and I don't have any cravings..yet.  Those are most of the symptoms so far, and like I said, I can't really complain because I'm just lucky to have them.

Baby Steps- 5w3d

This morning I had my first appointment at the satellite RE office. I was so nervous in the morning; I really thought I was going to be sick.  It was either nerves or the start of morning sickness, but probably a little bit of both.  I was feeling super emotional driving to my appointment- I saw a little family of goats in a field and burst into tears.  If I saw a family of ants I’d probably do the same.  Anyway, they took me back right away and I had the nicest ultrasound tech, she was so bubbly and sweet I couldn’t help but think positive. She took my blood and then did an internal ultrasound, where she immediately located one gestational sac and a fetal pole.  She took a couple of pictures and printed them out for me, and did some measurements.  Everything looked fine and she confirmed my ovaries were “sleeping”.  Poor little ovaries, they’ve been run through the wringer, they deserve a break… 

 After my exam I met with the doctor and he told me to keep doing what I’m doing with the meds, and that he was really surprised they didn’t see two sacs given that my levels were so high. I asked what the percentages were with ectopic pregnancy with IVF and he said around 1%.  He said there is also something called “heterotopic” pregnancy, where one embryo implants in the uterus, and one in the fallopian tube (i.e. ectopic).  But he said the chances that it would happen to me are very slim (less than 1%).  So now of course that’s all I can think about.  Ectopic pregnancies don’t rear their ugly heads until around 7 weeks when you can have a lot of pain that might feel like appendicitis.  Your fallopian tube can rupture and if you are also carrying a viable pregnancy you will need surgery.  There’s about a 35% chance that the viable pregnancy will not survive because of the trauma of surgery.  I might be going overboard here, but I really am nervous about this one. You would think that the sh*tty hand I’ve been dealt is over, but I’ve learned there is no limit to the sh*t one person can be exposed to.

So now I will just have to wait a few more weeks and just keep praying.  The doc is going to see me weekly until about 12 weeks, and then I will be released to my OBGYN.  Next appointment is the morning of Friday 10/28.  Symptoms so far are crankiness, emotional outbursts, sore boobs, belly, bloating/indigestion and general feeling of ickiness.  No cravings, sickness (except for nerves this morning) …yet.

Beta #2- 3,010

I am feeling more and more comfortable with every high number I see.  Of course, we all know infertility takes away the initial naivete that comes with "first" pregnancies, as most of us will experience several unsuccessful ones before we finally break the cycle.  But, I think that this is the first time I'm feeling really good about where we are, in spite of all of the remaining hurdles we have yet to cross. Today marks the day that I "graduate" from the RE's main IVF office and move to a satellite office for monitoring until about 12 weeks (God willing).  I was told to make an appointment for the end of this week for an ultrasound and hopefully we'll be able to see 1 (or 2!) gestational sacs and confirm that there is no ectopic pregnancy. For some reason, I'm really hung up on ectopic right now.  Like, I think I might have one or something. Probably because I know not to get too comfortable when you get two pink lines on a pregnancy test.