Sean Edward's Birth Story

Oh Sean.  I feel the same way writing this birth story as I did Luke's.  We repeated history on Wednesday, March 19, 2014.  Repeated everything that could have gone wrong in your brother's birth, just in a shorter time window.  Here are the details of the days leading up to your birth...even though you came into the world surgically, I couldn't wait another moment longer to meet you.  You are a little love, a ray of sunshine and the most beautiful baby boy I have ever seen (tied with your brother, of course). 

I started having prodromal/pre-labor  on the night of Tuesday, March 18, 2014.   Your due date was March 8th, and I was now almost a week and a half past my "due" date.   I really thought this was it, and we would have you as our little lucky charm!  From about midnight until 5am I had contractions that were approx 30 seconds-1 minute long, about 10-15 minutes apart.  When morning came, they vanished just as quickly as they appeared!  I was due into the doctor's office for non-stress testing that morning at 9:30am.  I went into the doctor's office and they hooked me up to a monitor for about a half hour.  I only had one contraction during that time, and you only moved a few times so they said they wanted to get me tested further up at Chester County Hospital where my doctor was on call for the day.

I was up at CC Hospital by 11am and was hooked up to even more machines.  Results from that test were fine, and I was sent down for an ultrasound to monitor fluid levels, fetal movement and practice breathing.  You passed with flying colors and I was discharged from the hospital!  After a nice chat with doula Nikki, I was convinced in the next few nights I would go into real labor and we'd be on our way to meeting you.

That night, around 11pm on Mar 18, the contractions started up again.  From 11pm- 3am (Mar 19) they were pretty far apart- again, 1 minute long, about 15 mins apart.  But at 3am they started to kick up a notch.  They were coming about 5 minutes apart, 45 seconds- 1 minute long.  I rode that out until about 6am and then we phoned doula Nikki.  By 6am my contractions were 4 minutes apart, about 1 minute long.  She confirmed active labor and through strong contractions my heart leapt for joy! We were finally going to get to meet you, and on your own terms.  Not through induction, Pitocin or any other medical interventions- but when you picked the time!  After speaking with Nikki and packing for the hospital, daddy phoned Mimi and Papa and let them know it was time to start the wheels in motion.  They were at our house by 630am and we left immediately after- your brother was still sleeping in his crib!  

The ride to the hospital was excruciating- mommy laid over the birthing ball in the back seat of daddy's truck- having contractions that were 3 minutes apart and 1 minute long.  The ride to West Chester seemed like an eternity, and doula Nikki met us there so we could get admitted.  I rolled out of the car into a wheelchair and we were on our way!

Once in the labor and delivery wing of the hospital, I was set up in a room and hooked up to monitors similar to the ones from the day before.  The monitors confirmed my frequency of contractions and that your heart rate was just fine through all of it.  I labored until about 9am when the doctor on call (Dr. Hotmer) was out of surgery and ready to take a look at the monitors and check me for dilation.  She said my pattern was looking good, baby was looking good, and she went to do an internal exam.  It was at that point that everything changed for us.

I was confirmed to only be dilated 1cm, which wouldn't have been all bad.  However, you had not "engaged" in my pelvis at all, which is required if there is going to be a natural birth (non c- section). You were almost 42 weeks and you were still up high.  Knowing what I know now, this is very common- almost 80% of second pregnancies aren't engaged by the time labor has started.  However, at the time, it was presented as a huge issue.  There had to be some reason you weren't engaged, and the doctor told us that I could go through another full day of labor and have to have a c section if you weren't engaging in my pelvis.  Faced with that thought, and after a few minutes of talking with doula Nikki, we decided to move forward with the C section.  At that point, I just wanted the pain medicine but of course we had to wait until the anesthesia doctor came to see us, almost one hour of painful contractions later.

Around 11am he came to see me and they started prepping me for surgery, including 2 liters of IV fluids and anti nausea medicine.  Around 11:15am they wheeled me to the OR, and started the spinal for my pain relief.  We were all ready for surgery and I believe they started at 11:30am and you were born at 11:43am.  Daddy was taking pictures the whole time, and I didn't get sick this time at all.  I was nervous and crying, and thinking about how I couldn't wait to meet you.  The song I remember playing from Dr. Hotmer's Ipod was "Landslide" as sung by Stevie Nicks.  I was crying but couldn't feel my chest - and I kept thinking of your brother and you together and what a happy family we were going to be.  Finally, I heard your beautiful cry - and the doctor confirmed the amniotic sac was full of meconium (just like your bro) and  you had the cord wrapped around your neck twice.    You had aspirated some of the meconium and before I saw you, you had to be cleaned up and suctioned.  Your daddy went over to be with you while they stitched me up.

Finally I got to see you for the first time when dad took your picture as you were being weighed!  You were an absolutely perfect 8 lbs, 3 oz, 21 inches long and 14 inch head circumference!   And you had a full head of jet black hair- not at ALL like your brother!  However, from all other aspects, you looked exactly like him!

It took about 20 minutes for them to put me back together again, then I was wheeled back to recovery while we waited for you to finish getting cleaned up!    The first person that I wanted to visit was doula Nikki so she could check your latch and make sure nursing was up and running.  There were no complications from my surgery, so I was allowed to have ice chips and water which made me feel so much better immediately.  I still did not have feeling in my legs, but was able to hold you immediately and have you on my chest.  You were like nothing I'd ever seen, but like everything that was familiar to me. You latched like a pro and began eating as if you were completely starved!  Everything went well so we were transferred to the maternity ward in preparation for our 48 hour stay in the hospital.   Your grandparents were all there and eager to meet you, so they got a chance to hold you and see you for the next few hours.

 The first day at the hospital went fairly well- I was feeling ok and you seemed to be doing great at eating and sleeping.  However, when one of the nurses came to take your vital signs, including breaths per minute, they noted that you had "rapid" breathing and wanted to take you to the NICU for the night to be evaluated.  Talk about deja vu.  This is exactly what happened to Luke because he aspirated meconium due to being 2 weeks late.  We talked to the NICU doctors and explained our horrible experience with the Christiana Hospital NICU and they fully understood our concerns and assured us that you would not be kept for reasons other than breathing.

They stayed true to their word, and you were released the next morning.    They took your blood, gave you two xrays to view your chest, and tested you for all kinds of infections.  Thank goodness you came up clean on all counts!

 The remainder of our 48 hour stay at the hospital was uneventful.  I sent you to the nursery the second night because daddy had to go home to take care of Luke.  I could not get out of bed and was in too much pain to tend to you, so they brought you to me for feedings- I needed the nurse's help immensely.  That, coupled with the fact that I had a roommate the second night, sealed the deal for sending you to sleep in the nursery.

All in all,  we had great nurses at the hospital and the entire experience was much less intrusive than last time.  There was no revolving door of doctors, nurses, photographers and visitors.  It was very quiet and low key, and we were released a day early because we both were doing great.  The discharge was very quick, around noon on Friday, March 21st, and was uneventful.  Sean, you did not make a peep the entire time leaving the hospital, or the car ride home.  It was a 65 degree and sunny day in March, and you were calm, cool and relaxed!  We even got to stop to fill my pain medication on the way home.

Once we got home, we had a few hours to do some chores (laundry, grocery, etc) before picking up Luke at school to meet his new baby brother!  Luke came home around 5pm on that Friday and could not wait to see "bebay Sean".  He says "Sean" like "gnocci"- sounds like there's a G in front of "Sean".  So funny- I wish I could bottle that pronunciation forever and keep it in near my heart.

What a night and day experience from my first birth.  Yes, some things were absolutely the same (2 weeks late, meconium, c section) but a lot of things I am grateful were so very different.  The one thing I know that is exactly the same is the amount of love I feel for this little being as soon as I knew I was pregnant.  And it grew exponentially for 9 months while I carried him- then finally when the big day arrived my heart exploded for the second time in a little less than two years.  

Sean Edward I love you more than words can say, you are my little man and will always be the baby I carried home in my arms on your birth day

Non stress testing and Biophysical profile

Last night was a crazy night.  I had mild contractions, 10 minutes apart an 30-60 seconds in length, for about 4 1/2 hours (1230am-5am).  It is called "prodromal" or pre-labor and usually happens at night (says Nikki).  Sometimes you can have it up to 4 nights before real labor kicks in, or as little as one night.  They happen at night then stop in the morning, since oxytocin levels are higher at night.  I had the same mild contractions all day today, and the hope is that they help to thin out (efface) the cervix so dilation can happen more quickly in active labor.

I am having one right now.

I was scheduled for my non stress testing (NST) at 930am at the doc's office then a biophysical profile (BPP) at the radiology lab at chester county hospital.  Apparently they didn't like the looks of some of of the baby's heart rate decelerations, so they sent me up to the hospital right away.  I took my time getting there, stopping for dry cleaning, the bank, and a soda to get the baby moving.  By the time I got there, was admitted and hooked up to the machines it was 11am.  I was on the machine until 130pm when they came and got me for my BPP ultrasound.  I did not get out of the hospital until 3pm and was starving- so stopped for fast food fries and vanilla milkshake!    Thank goodness the baby looked good and did everything he was supposed to- movement, practice breathing and good amniotic fluid.  I was worried they would try to keep me and induce me if they didn't seem something that they liked.    I do resent being in the hospital all day though- at least I got to be in a bed and watch TV- I even tried to snooze after getting no sleep last night.

Since my doctor was at the hospital today, I asked her to check my cervix- turns out I'm 70% effaced but still only about 1cm dilated.  However, a thinned cervix is more likely to dilate so I feel like we are on our way and one more night of this predromal labor I feel like we may be in business.  Had an nice long chat with Nikki on the way home so fingers are crossed at this point.

I forgot what all of this pain felt like but it comes back really quickly.  Baby Sean we hope to meet you soon before eviction day on Friday.

41 weeks- why am I surprised?

Well, here I am again.  The place I thought I couldn't possibly go this time.  Overdue-land.  I don't know why I am surprised that I have made it this far again. I should have known.  Doula Nikki said so.  I know to trust her.

It was another great week of being off and getting things done. I detailed my master bathroom- 2 hours worth of cleaning in one single room.  Went to chiropractor, lunch with mom, dealt with some contractors at my house related to the basement construction.  Got to do some flower arranging for the spring and do more organizing of kitchen and bathroom.  But each night I end up empty.  No contractions to speak of (aside from braxton hicks), and all I do is drink red raspberry leaf tea and stick evening primrose pills up my hoo-ha in attempt to soften my cervix.

All to find out at today's appointment that I'm no more than a fingertip dilated and no softening to speak of.  The doc even attempted to "stretch" me to 1cm and sweep my membranes but couldn't get up there to do it.  Nice.  Why is this happening to me?  I want this more than anything to go into labor on my own and my body just refuses to cooperate.   I think it's because I have done so much research and want this so bad that for some reason Murphy's law is kicking.  I just want to have a pity party for myself today.  However, after some googling I found out that it's pretty much impossible for a woman not to dilate.  There are usually either one of two things going on: 1) she is not emotionally ready or 2) the baby is malpositioned and the head is not exerting enough pressure on the cervix to thin and dilate. For Luke, it was #2.  He wasn't positioned correctly and was never going to come out the way he was.  But, no one tried to do any techniques on me to try to help that.   I tend to think that this baby might have the same issue.  He is probably chin up (he is supposed to tuck his chin) and that will cause his crown to push on the cervix and send the signal that we are ready.

I was reading spinningbabies.com to try to see some techniques to help him into position (if he's not already).  Just to be safe.  I know he is at least head down but the doc says she can't tell what position he's in until he engages in the pelvis more.  But he won't engage unless he's in the right position.  Catch- 22.  So now what?

I spent most of the afternoon feeling sorry for myself, after 3 full hours at the doc office- 1.5 hrs of wait time, 30 minutes with the doc, 30 minutes doing non-stress testing, and 30 minutes of scheduling & talking to nurses.  Now I am just trying to forget about it for the weekend and enjoy myself.  As doula Nikki says, this is not a battle I'm going to win by fighting.  She tells me I have to surrender, but it is so hard.  I reserve the right to feel crappy and that's just the way it's going to be for now.

40 weeks- still hanging on

I don't know why it's surprising to me that I'm still hanging on at 40 weeks with my second baby. Everyone said "oh, second babies come faster, sooner"...blah blah.  WRONG.   Well, wrong so far.  At my 39 week appointment there was zero news to speak of as usual.  Closed and high cervix with no dilation.  It just messes with my mind. I am not sure what it is about my body that refuses to understand that 40 weeks is about the time to start releasing the baby!  Maybe I don't produce a hormone that other people do that makes the body start to do it's thing?    I got a a chiropractic adjustment this morning, stim on my shoulder and a prenatal massage this afternoon- not to mention a pressure point pedicure yesterday.  My next step is acupuncture, red raspberry leaf tea and evening primrose oil to get things going.  And I know I should try doing "other" things with M, but we are both so exhausted the thought of it makes me cringe.  Sorry, baby ;)

Other than waiting for Mr. Sean, starting maternity leave on Monday was the best thing ever.   I wrapped up everything at work February 28 and left the office feeling so free last week.  Of course, my first "official" day on maternity leave was a snow day for Luke's school so we were home together and I was exhausted, but we got through it.  The last few days have been bliss and I have gotten so much done!  I have lunched with friends and my parents, and the next few days I'm not going to leave the house.  Two of my girlfriends are pregnant and due this summer- one just found out she's having a boy, and the other is having a girl.  It is such an exciting time for everyone and I can't wait to go to more baby showers this summer while I'm off.  I'm going to be so spoiled and I know going back to work is going to be harder this time than it was last time. I already know that.  And the fact that I'm never going to have another maternity leave / "vacation" again makes me really sad.  BUT- let's not go there.  That's a long time away and we have a lot of basement work to do on the house so we need every penny.  But maybe we can revisit "part time" or even another company because my company is probably going to work me into the ground when I go back.  I feel like it's going to be punishment for being out so long.

Today I am so grateful to be sitting with my feet up and just relaxing until my 40 week appointment today.  I am not expecting much.

Baby Sean we can't wait to meet you!!  These are our last few days as a family of 3 and the time was so fleeting!  I am so happy to be graduating to a family of 4 and you are going to be the perfect addition to the Hufford family!

38 weeks- more winter storms and croup

We are zombies.  We are so tired.  I am so tired.  Last day of work is officially Feb 28, which is one week from yesterday.  I absolutely could not do one more day. The start of a full five months off will be glorious and even if baby Sean is late, I will have a couple of weeks to myself just to lounge around like the lazy prego mama I am.  I feel like such a sloth, but I have to do this for survival. I feel myself shutting down.  But in typical Type A fashion, even as I'm "shutting down", I'm making lists for things I will do during my 3 week "vacation" before the baby comes...because I'm pretty sure he'll be stretching it until 42 weeks.

At both my 37 and 38 week appointments, my cervix is closed and high.  The doctor's exact words were "your cervix doesn't seem to know you are even pregnant!".  Nice, exactly what I wanted to hear. I keep meaning to email doula Nikki to make me feel better. But I will see her tomorrow morning for coffee with my cousin Rachael. I guess it's still early- if I'm like that at 40 weeks then I'm going to start to worry.  Please, God, no surgery.  I don't care about being uncomfortable or anxious, I just really really really don't want surgery and I want a shot to do this right!

We have continued the crazy winter here in Chester County, PA.  Ice, snow, freezing mess on the roads.  Can't wait for spring! Poor Luke had croup again this week, second time this winter and evidence of how being indoors just completely stinks! Today it was 50 degrees out so there were lots of kids outside and we took Luke outside too just to get some fresh air! We got the first "lice" letter of the year as well- apparently it's common in school to have a break out of lice every year.  I was itching as soon as I heard about it and though it looks like we are in the clear, everything went into hot wash water this week.  Between croup, lice and 38 weeks pregnant I'm about done with this week!

M is working on the basement as much as he can before the baby comes- the plumber, cabinet person and radon remediator come this week, as well as my polyshutter installation in the family room.  One last big push before the baby halts all house work for awhile.  Having the basement done will provide much needed space, and a future playroom for the boys that will keep my upstairs looking presentable for company :)  I don't know what people did before Pinterest...I am addicted!

We had dinner tonight one last time with my brothers and sisters in law before the baby. We were trying to recollect the last time we had done it, and decided it had been at least two years, maybe more.  We went to a restaurant that was about halfway for all of us, did a 6pm start and didn't leave until 9pm!  It was so much fun to catch up with them without kids around- we love our kids but they are a big distraction and you never get to just chat with the adults because you are always worrying about who is pushing or stealing a toy from who. Quite relaxing, even if i couldn't partake in the BYOB beverages and limoncello after dinner drink.

Well, a little less than two weeks til the official due date.  I hope this is going to be my last entry before 40 weeks but I think I know myself better.  These boys just love this mama's uterus!

36 weeks - ice storm & winter from h e double hockey sticks

This is what 36 weeks looks like.

I don't know how I'm going to do another 4, possibly 6, weeks of this. I don't remember feeling this way last time.  I don't remember the tiredness that starts at about 9am and doesn't let up until I fall into bed around 8pm. My brain is mush and my body can barely function sometimes.  Going to work is like running a marathon and when you get to the end, you have to run some more.  Thank goodness the cleaners come every other week.  I just spent 5 hours today doing food prep/freeze for when the baby comes.  I made 4 vegan lentil loaves and 12 stuffed peppers. My mom is going to make 2 veggie lasagnas and I think we'll be all set for at least 2 mos after the baby is born.  When asked, I will tell people to just bring food so I don't have to cook- ever again!  I was thinking about healthychefcreations.com for when I go back to work- an organic (and can be vegan) food delivery service.  There just isn't enough time to do anything but work and come home/eat/bath/bed and I know it's about to get even more crazy.

We have had the worst winter here in the NE US.  We have had more snow than I can remember in the  last 5 years, and this week was no exception.  Monday we had a snow storm followed by an ice storm on Wednesday.  Of course with work, we were in the month-end close which is the time when you are not allowed to be off at all.  My work is ridiculous and crazy and I always say on this maternity leave I'm looking for another job (4 days/week).  Wednesday with the ice storm we lose power and don't get it back until sometime on Thursday, so the three of us slept at my parents' house that night.  I was so thankful we had the option but it's hard when you get out of your normal routine during the week.  By Friday I was so exhausted I had to cancel a playdate for Saturday with an old friend because I just couldn't stand to do one more thing.  It was just an exhausting week overall.  

I had my 36 week appointment- blood pressure looking good, no other issues to note.  Got my group B strep test but no results yet.  No dilation or effacement yet, measuring on track and heart beat sounding good! Sean is head down and ready to come out!  I swear he moves so much he is trying to get out.  I have Braxton Hicks a lot, especially at night and especially this week when I was under so much stress with work and the weather.   They were almost painful and not just tightness in my abdomen.  Again, I don't really remember these last time, but I was reading that the stronger they get the closer labor might be.  I don't want to have the baby this early, but in another few weeks wouldn't be so bad ;)   

34 weeks- Reflections on my last pregnancy

I had my 34 week appointment this week and all is looking good!  I am tipping the scales at +40 lbs from my starting weight, which is pretty much where I was last time I think.  I am having Braxton Hicks contractions pretty regularly, and also very mild cramps.  I had to ask the doctor this week for a note saying I should only be working 40 hours/week because the last few weeks have been absolutely horrible at work.  Not to mention the 3 times I've been to the pediatrician with Luke in the last 3 weeks (ear infection, croupe, ear infection)...and 4 snow days.  I am completely exhausted and really nearing the end of my rope.  M has been so great helping out with Luke - every weekend morning he gets up with Luke and lets me sleep in.  I am definitely excited to get my body back and be able to get on the ground and really play with the babies!

Speaking of getting my pregnancy body back, I am acutely aware that this will probably be the last time I'm pregnant in my life.  It is so interesting that I've waited my whole life to have the "child bearing" years, and after all of the IVF and infertility trials, I am coming to the end of this road.  It is bittersweet for me.  M said it the other day, and I didn't even realize he was thinking of it too.  He said "I will miss pregnant Mariana".  I will miss knowing the feeling of someone kicking me in the middle of the night :)....the way I cherish the fact that I'm the one who knew him first.  Both of my babies are such miracles in their own right (but aren't all the babies of the world?)....the fact that I was able to have them will never cease to amaze me.  My only fear is that they don't realize how perfect and wanted they are.  I will miss my maternity clothes- and the fact that skinny jeans and stretch pants aren't as daunting to me when I'm pregnant.  Flaunting the curves and the belly is so liberating after living a life of always thinking you are "fat".  I will miss being waited on and given concessions.  But most of all, I will miss the feeling of youth itself. These are the fertile, youthful, vital years where we are supposed to be a the top of our game- feeling good, looking good, doing good things.  I realize those years are fleeting and I'm trying to hold on- and pregnancy helps me do that.  But you can't stop time.

32 weeks- Year End and Play dates

After every holiday season there is the dreaded year-end at my work.  Since I'm an accountant, we close the books for our company on 12/31 and the next 3-6 weeks are horrible.   I should be used to it by now but this year is especially hard being in the third trimester.  I just got done working 12 out of the last 14 days and I am exhausted.  Some of the nights were later- 9 or 10pm being the latest, 6pm being the earliest. But this past Friday I got out at 5pm and it was lovely! I also got told by the security guard at my work " you still have 8 weeks to go? You are huge!"  Thanks.  Yes, I realize I am waddling like a penguin and people move out of my way in the hallways for fear that I possibly won't fit, but you shouldn't say something like that to a pregnant woman!

We had a play date today with my friend Jenna and her two kids, Reagan (5) and Wyatt (3.5).  They were so well behaved, it was so enjoyable! I hadn't seen Jenna in about 6 months, and I had never met Wyatt but the last time I saw Reagan she was about 18  months.   Jenna & I try to get get together just us twice a year, but it was great to hang out with her kids and have them meet Luke.  Jenna has never met Luke, and she just found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant again.  The kids played so nicely together and me and Jenna actually got to catch up a bit.  They were only here a little over two hours and it was just right.  Below is a pic of me & Jenna in our younger, LBI shore house days (Summer 2005)- I was 25 and she was about 31.  Fast forward to us now - Im almost 35 and she just turned 40...phew I can't believe it.

Feeling extra tired these last few weeks, as always.  My leg and lower back have been hurting and I have been enjoying some massages from the hubby.  Baby Sean has been moving a lot and keeping me up a bit at night.   M changed the middle name-  we decided on Sean Edward.  He changed his mind from Patrick because Luke's middle name is Michael and he decided that our second boy's middle name should be his middle name.  So we have Edward.  We went from Shaun Patrick to Sean Edward.  I would still like to reconsider the spelling of the first name- but I don't want to really press it that much.  

In a couple of weeks I'm going to be having lunch with doula Nikki to talk about the birth plan, or lack thereof.  Then a few weeks after that my cousin Michael and his wife Rachel (who used Nikki also) are having all of us as couples over to their house for dinner- which is so nice! I am really looking forward to that date night.  So I will get to see her a few times hopefully before the birth, and I really hope she's able to attend mine because I haven't met her partner Christina and I really just need Nikki there.  But I know it will work out and I won't stress about it.  Frankly, I really don't want to stress about anything labor/birth related this time. I just heard a story from a guy I work with who's wife just had a baby two weeks ago, and she wanted to go natural.  She was 3 cm about 3 weeks before her due date, and went into full labor 1 week before her due date.  She was 7cm by the time she  got to the hospital!  She made it so far...but ended up getting an epidural anyway.  Man, I would be lucky to make it that far.  If I was that far along that would be a dream.

30 weeks- bigger by the day

Ok, so I looked on my blog last time at my 30 week picture, and I am definitely bigger at this point than I was last time.  I have random people coming up to me saying "any day now huh?".  Meanwhile, I want to cry as I tell them no, possibly 8-10 more weeks to go.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get much bigger, but I know I can do it.  My belly button is fully out and stretch marks already existing are turning red again.  Ah well- the perks of pregnancy!  Thank you Lord for letting me be pregnant again and exhibit these amazing signs that I am growing another miracle baby!

Lately I am tired.  Just...tired.  I remember being tired last time, but not at 30 weeks.  More like at 34 or 35 weeks.  I sleep 10 hours a night and am still tired after all of that.  I have been on holiday break since Dec 20 and am thanking my lucky stars that M has been off this whole time (he goes back tomorrow) with me.  He has gotten up with Luke every morning, entertained him during the day, and even put him down at night and for naps.  He has changed almost every diaper and carries him around when I cannot.  He is amazing and I am so grateful for everything he has done.  When he goes back to work tomorrow and I'm home the next two days with Mr. Luke I will miss him very much! Time to call on Mimi :)   I don't have any aches and pains per se, just fatigue and general tiredness when walking. I need to sit most of the time.  The baby is moving around a lot and I think he's running out of room in there. I love when I can see a little body part poking out of my belly when he moves around.     I am still making it through the night without having to get up to use the bathroom, which is a god send!   I can't carry 23 pounds of Luke, however.  I can pick him up maybe for 30 seconds but that is it.  He is just too heavy and my belly is just too big.  I can't wait until I can pick him up again and keep him for as long as he likes. Though, he's going to have to make room for baby Sean in the BabyBjorn :)

We had a beautiful holiday week.  Christmas Eve with the in law's in Philly and Christmas Day in Chester County with my family went perfectly!  Then, we went to Oasis family fun center the day after Christmas with Uncle Doug and Dylan and Delaney- Luke had a blast there as well.  Friday night we had dinner at Mimi's and Saturday night Mimi took Luke over night so me & M could do an adult dinner out with my cousin and her husband.  It was much needed adult time and so good to catch up with them!  Today we are capping it off with some football and inside time, as it is raining cats & dogs outside!  Luke is playing with all of his new Christmas toys and I am hopeful the novelty will not wear off any time soon.  I should hide some of them for a later date to keep everything new.

 I have to keep remembering that this will end and one day I will look back on this time and remember how precious it was.  My little babies will be all grown up and move away, and I will remember how close we were and long for those days.  I do love my life- everything about it.  Going through this journey with M and now Luke has been more than I could have ever hoped for.  Although my days lately are just full of fatigue and lethargy :) I know when I have the new baby I will be energized and ready to go.  It will be a struggle for awhile as we find the schedule for the new baby, but once we are settled in I know being the mother of two boys will be the most fulfilling feeling I will ever have.

28 weeks- the Holidays

The holidays are upon us!  This time is going so fast- a combination of Thanksgiving being so late and the stress of work I suppose.  I went for my 7 month appointment this week and glucose test- happy to report my sugar is in the 90s (I think > 120 is gestational diabetes?) but I have low iron.  So I have to take iron supplements and work on my veggie intake.  This is kicking M into high gear for making me drink green smoothies.  Other than that, the appointment was uneventful and that's how I like it.  Oh, I did get my 28 week Rhogam shot which is always fun :)

The baby furniture got delivered this week also, and it looks awesome!  It's the same baby's dream furniture that Luke has, except a different color- cinnamon instead of espresso.  There is one piece missing that they expect to deliver in January, but I did spend the day setting up the nursery as much as I could. I feel the nesting urge happening again but then again, I feel like my life is one big nesting extravaganza.

I am also exhausted.  Now that I am in my third trimester, I am so slow and really can't pick Luke up at all because of sharp pains in my belly and back.  By 8pm every night I am spent and can hardly keep my eyes open.  I don't run after Luke all day, being at work and everything, but he has been getting up so early- between 530 and 630am- and screams the entire time until I come get him. So I'm trying to get ready for work and it's just very anxiety inducing and stressful from the time we wake up until he gets dropped off at school at 815am.  Then don't get me started on my stressful work day- jam packed full of meetings and bullsh*t.  By the time we get home he is out of his mind and all he wants is "up up" and I feel so badly that I can't pick him up at all.  It makes me feel sad and guilty all at the same time.  God help me, but all I want to do is get in bed and lay down.  I don't want to do ANYTHING.  I am sitting here in bed right now typing this at 630am while M is downstairs with a Luke who is raring to go.  Just so lethargic and tired.  I didn't know it was going to be this hard with the second, thank goodness I have M.  I know he has a lot of projects going on and I try to let him work on them while I watch Luke on the weekends, but I don't know how much longer I can do that.  I love spending time with Luke but all day long on a snowy day where we can't go outside drives me absolutely bonkers.  I am the worst mom right now.  I just feel like I want to focus on me and no one else and that's just not how a mom is supposed to feel, right?  I'm so selfish.  What is wrong with me?

Wow, I just realized for a holiday post, my last rant is downright depressing :)

This is the time of year I should be thanking the good Lord that I have  beautiful family, wonderful life and a job in a time where so many don't have even one of these things much less all three.  I am so blessed in so many ways, I can't forget that. I must not ever forget that.

28 week belly pictures below- photography by Pepop because I got stood up from my photographer..

26 weeks- Stood up!

This past week marks the end of my second trimester!  We have been very busy, especially because we just had a nice long weekend for Thanksgiving, my 34th (yikes) birthday, and other family functions!

Thanksgiving was so much fun this year-  and it is every year- but especially because Luke was putting on a show :)  He loves to ham it up for the crowd.  My mom dressed him in her apron like a greek toga and he was loving every minute of it.

I had a great 34th birthday, got to have a pretnatal massage the day before, then the day of I had a girls lunch out with my mom, aunt and cousin at the Farmhouse restaurant.  It was a nice leisurely 2 1/2 hour lunch with no interruptions and it was fabulous!

The day before my birthday I also went with M to his 20th high school reunion.  I was the DD and we stayed out entirely too late for my pregnant self but it was worth it and he had a great time.  It was great to catch up with some old friends we hadn't seen in awhile and get a little bit of a night out.

The Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend, we were supposed to meet our photographer for a maternity, family, holiday shoot.  We planned to meet in Fair Hill, MD (30 mins from my hours) at 2pm.  This cut into Luke's nap but we were working it out.  I get everyone dressed, ready and down to our meeting spot 10 minutes early.  I email the girl to tell her the car I'm in, and 15 minutes after she is supposed to be there she tells me she is an hour away and probably not coming.  I am beside myself.  I leave a message on the owner's cell phone and I tell her we won't be rescheduling.  I say a few choice things and leave it at that.  The girl emails me back and says she'll do the session and give a high resolution DVD all for free of the edited images.  We decide we are going to meet up again next Sunday. Free works.  What do we have to lose?   I haven't been that angry in a long time.  We are losing our opportunity for holiday shots and now probably won't get to use them on our holiday card, but there are worse things, right?  Won't be using them again.  Just going to use them for the freebie probably and that's it.

The little bugger #2 has been moving around so much lately.  I can see and feel him from the outside, too.  I wish I had more ultrasounds, I feel like I don't really know what's going on in there.  I have to be better about my prenatal vitamins- I only sporadically take them and I have to do better.  I have been drinking gallons of organic OJ every week, hopefully that's compensating :)  I have had some sciatica pain if I'm on my feet for a lot of the day, but so far no numbness or any other aches to speak of.  It's getting harder to push myself out of bed in the morning and roll over, but I haven't yet started to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

 I am feeling like there is something wrong with me, but this pregnancy has been quite uneventful.  That's the calm before the storm, I'm sure.  I feel like I'm being lulled into a false sense of security or something, but it has really been going well.  Furniture is scheduled to be delivered next week then I feel like it starts to get really really real as I break out the clothes and newborn stuff all over again.  I can't wait to set up the nursery again and prepare for his arrival!  I think I jinxed myself when I said this was uneventful.  The second time around is so different than the first.   M made me laugh when he sent me an article from the Huffington post

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jen-simon/7-ways-a-second-pregnancy-cant-compare-to-a-first_b_4293463.html

Article posted below for when I slurp this into my Blurb Blog to Book for the new little guy.  I do care about you, baby!

Jen Simon

NYC mom

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7 Ways a Second Pregnancy Can't Compare to a First

Posted: 11/26/2013 3:50 pm

A second child is an entirely different experience than being pregnant with a first. When you're pregnant the first time, you're a princess; an amazing, delicate creature growing a new life in a masterful, mysterious way. People are in awe of your majesty. You're told to rest as much as possible. You're encouraged to pamper yourself. You're told you glow! But, for round two, you can forget about the special treatment. You can't rest or stay off your feet and you don't get any downtime or alone time, let alone time to pamper yourself. You're not a magic vessel creating a miracle, but an experienced mom. Do you glow? Maybe, but you do it while covered in pee, poop, blood and snot. For baby two, you're no longer an innocent newbie -- you've gone to battle once and you're an experienced soldier. And you're about to do it all over again.

During my second pregnancy, I realized why a second (and every subsequent) child has fewer pictures and accolades and less attention. Even though it took me a year to conceive the second time, when I finally did get pregnant, I was so consumed with the kid I already had that I couldn't focus on my second pregnancy. Every milestone, feeling or picture that I celebrated the first time kind of got ignored the second time around. Of course I love my second child as much as my older one, but pretty much everything about my second pregnancy was, in a way, less than my first. Here are some examples:

Sonogram pictures

For baby one, I marveled over each photo -- looking at his little ribs, spine, nose -- wondering what he'd look like, if he'd have his daddy's eyes or my mouth. We scanned the images and uploaded them to Facebook, making captions, sharing them proudly. I even made frames for my parents and in-laws so they could show off the baby before they had actual baby pictures. I kept each original picture (and even some duplicates) in a folder dedicated to the baby, in chronological order of course.

For baby two, I forgot to show my husband the pictures half the time. Instead, I found them days after my appointment, crumpled at the bottom of my bag, under snacks, wipes and crayons. When I thought about it, I put a few on the fridge, but I certainly don't make copies for my parents or in-laws this time. Why would they want a picture of an alien/fish/baby-looking thing when they could display a picture of their beautiful 3-year-old grandson instead? And Facebook? Forget it. I certainly wasn't taking the trouble to scan things, let alone show off a grainy, black-and-white image that wasn't even cute.

BabyCenter e-mails

For baby one, my husband and I both counted down the days until we received our weekly update emails. I updated my Gchat status each week to reflect the size fruit the baby correlated to (which I thought was so cute and not at all annoying). We looked at produce stands to better understand the size of our tiny, growing creature -- a kumquat -- how big is a kumquat, we wondered? I read, with interest and pleasure, what other women were thinking and the suggestions BabyCenter offered.

For baby two, I signed up for the weekly emails solely to keep me abreast of how far along I was. I knew my week changed on Thursdays, but that was it -- without the emails I would have been clueless. The second time around, I didn't care about the fruit/vegetable comparison, but I could ignore that. What annoyed me were the snippets of conversations the emails included. I did not care what other women were going through, wondering or feeling. And I got irritated with the "helpful hints" BabyCenter wanted to teach me. Worse yet was the concern-trolling. After I received the third email that was focused on weight gain, I decided to stop reading them altogether and deleted them as soon as I got my weekly update.

Belly pictures

For baby one, I diligently took pictures every two weeks, marking my pregnancy growth. I made sure to stand in the same place and wear the same outfit each time so we could see just how my belly was changing. I even made my husband take several pictures so I could choose the best one. I also lettered the signs just so and often rewrote them when I was unhappy with the size of the "1" in relation to the "8" or other such nonsense.

For baby two, I totally forgot that I had actually taken pictures of my belly on purpose the first time around. I remembered somewhere around 24 weeks, when I was already huge and bloated and didn't feel like showing off, let alone caring about a damn sign that would help document my giant ass for prosperity. So, I took no cutesy weekly update pictures while pregnant the second time around. If baby two wants to see what I looked like while I was pregnant with him, he can look at pictures of me with his brother.

Worries

For baby one, I worried about literally everything I could think about. I worried he would be a psychopath, a sociopath or a rapist. I worried about autism, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and other developmental and mental disorders. I worried he would be a hermaphrodite. I worried he would be mean or stupid, that he wouldn't like me or that I wouldn't like him. I worried that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. I worried that he would be kidnapped. I worried that I would be kidnapped and he would be cut out of me, raised by a crazy person or sold on the baby black market. I worried that I was damaging his psyche by watching shows like Criminal Minds or Law & Order: SVU -- would the violent crimes I watched on TV be internalized and imprinted on his tiny brain? Were those shows the reasons I was convinced I'd be kidnapped by that creepy van on the corner? And why was that creepy van on the corner? I once started crying at a restaurant because I was worried about the lotion I had used earlier that morning. Lotion. Not specialty lotion for a skin condition, but regular ol' lotion. If there was something happening, I worried about it. And then, of course, I worried that I was worrying too much and was going to give him an anxiety disorder based on all the in utero stress.

For baby two, I only worried about sleep. I mean, that's not completely true because there's no way to not worry about diseases or disorders or The Big Stuff, but for the most part, I mainly worried about how a second baby would fit into our family and how (and if) we would ever sleep again.

Eating

For baby one, I didn't eat anything that was verboten during pregnancy. By that, I mean I didn't have a sip of alcohol even when I joined my husband on a business trip we turned into a babymoon in Paris. Paris! And not even a sip of wine. No cheese at all in France, and in the states, no soft cheese, no sushi, no cold cuts and I literally wrote on my calendar when I had tuna so I wouldn't go beyond my allotted two cans in 10 days.

For baby two, I laughed in the face of the ridiculous rules of pregnancy eating. No, I didn't do anything to put my baby in jeopardy, but I ate sushi (from reputable places). I had a half of a beer a couple times. I ate soft cheese if it was pasteurized. I ate tuna sparingly, but didn't always keep track of exactly when. Basically, I didn't make myself crazy for the minuscule odds that I could contract a food-borne disease.

Nursery preparation

For baby one, I did more than plan out his room -- I went crafting crazy, dedicating hundreds of hours to his room's decoration. I made him a cross-stitch birth record, two matching cross-stitch wall pieces and a matching cross-stitch quilt (are you thinking of doing this? Don't! Unless you're insane, in which case you still shouldn't do it. Seriously, it's a ridiculous amount of work and under no circumstances should anyone ever attempt this). Against Jewish tradition, I had his room completely set up before he was even born and months before he moved out of our room and into his. Everything matched his theme (baby animals) or his colors (yellow and blue or rainbow). It was, if I may say so myself, an adorable nursery.

For baby two, my older son asked me what the baby's room was going to be and I actually laughed. The baby doesn't have a room and won't have one until we move into a bigger place. And when he does finally have a room? He'll either get the hand-me-downs from my first son's nursery (if I ever get around to finishing his half-finished birth record) so my older son can have a "big boy" room, or the boys will share a room.

Birth preparation

For baby one, I actively thought about giving birth. I wondered what it would be like and thought about the process, like how long I would be in labor and when I would ask for the epidural (because I knew it would be when and not if). I made a "labor" playlist for my iPod and bought a mini-speaker docking station so I could listen to music during my delivery. I bought myself a cute outfit to take pictures with the baby. Of course, an emergency C-section put the kibosh on all that, but I was even kind of mentally prepared for a C-section (just not one at 2:00 a.m.), knowing that they're increasingly common.

For baby two, I didn't think about the actual birth at all. Granted, having a scheduled C-section took the fear of labor and the uncertainty of when I would deliver out of my hands, but I didn't even think about the basics of what the delivery would be like. I was only concerned with logistics regarding my older son.

And that's kind of where we are now -- concerned with logistics regarding my older son. The baby's needs are always trumped by my older son's needs. When my son has to leave for school or get picked up from school, the baby's naps have to take a backseat. As the baby gets older, I'm sure we'll settle into a routine that works for everyone, but right now we're still figuring things out. And since my older son is at school, I'm going to go coo at the baby and take a few pictures of him while I can.

Striving

I strive to do this every day, for my baby and my unborn baby.  I promise to you both I will always put you first.  There is nothing in this world more important than you.

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/

How to Miss a Childhood

MAY 7, 2012

Each minute of every day, we are presented with a choice on how we spend our moments. We can either miss the moments or grasp them. This photo was taken at a time in my life when I was missing the moments and in doing so, I was missing more than life.

By sharing my own painful truths when it comes to the distractions of the modern age, I have gained an unexpected insight. In the 18 months this blog has existed, I have been privy to a new distraction confession every single day.

Up until now, I never knew what to do with this unusual collection of painful admissions from an overly connected society. But today, in a moment of clarity, I knew. And a woman with 35 years experience as a day care provider held the key.

It came as a message in my inbox after the woman read my post “The Children Have Spoken” which included heart-breaking observations from children themselves about their parents’ excessive phone use.

As soon as I read the first sentence of the caregiver’s email, I knew this message was different than any I had ever received. The hairs on my arms stood up as I absorbed each word that came uncomfortably close to home.

It was a voice of heartache, wisdom, and urgency speaking directly to the parents of the 21st century:

“I can recall a time when you were out with your children you were really with them. You engaged in a back and forth dialog even if they were pre-verbal. You said, ‘Look at the bus, see the doggie, etc.’ Now I see you on the phone, pushing your kids on the swings while distracted by your devices. You think you are spending time with them but you are not present really. When I see you pick up your kids at day care while you’re on the phone, it breaks my heart. They hear your adult conversations. What do they overhear? What is the message they receive? I am not important; I am not important.”

In a 100-word paragraph this concerned woman who has cared for babies since 1977 revealed a disturbing recipe … How to Miss a Childhood.

And because I possess hundreds of distraction confessions, including stories from my own former highly distracted life, I have all the damaging ingredients.

All it takes is one child and one phone and this tragic recipe can be yours.

How to Miss a Childhood
*Keep your phone turned on at all times of the day. Allow the rings, beeps, and buzzes to interrupt your child midsentence; always let the caller take priority.

*Carry your phone around so much that when you happen to leave it in one room your child will come running with it proudly in hand—treating it more like a much needed breathing apparatus than a communication device.

*Decide the app you’re playing is more important than throwing the ball in the yard with your kids. Even better, yell at them to leave you alone while you play your game.

*Take your children to the zoo and spend so much time on your phone that your child looks longingly at the mother who is engaged with her children and wishes she was with her instead.

*While you wait for the server to bring your food or the movie to start, get out your phone and stare at it despite the fact your child sits inches away longing for you talk to him.

*Go to your child’s sporting event and look up periodically from your phone thinking she won’t notice that you are not fully focused on her game.

*Check your phone first thing in the morning … even before you kiss, hug, or greet the people in your family.

*Neglect daily rituals like tucking your child into bed or nightly dinner conversation because you are too busy with your online activity.

*Don’t look up from your phone when your child speaks to you or just reply with an “uh huh” so she thinks you were listening.

*Lose your temper with your child when he “bothers” you while you are interacting with your hand-held electronic device.

*Give an exasperated sigh when your child asks you to push her on the swing. Can’t she see you’re busy?

*Use drive time to call other people regardless of the fact you could be talking to your kids about their day—or about their worries, their fears, or their dreams.

*Read email and text messages at stoplights. Then tell yourself that when your kids are old enough to drive they won’t remember you did this all the time.

*Have the phone to your ear when she gets in or out of the car. Convince yourself a loving hello or goodbye is highly overrated.

Follow this recipe and you will have:

• Missed opportunities for human connection

• Fewer chances to create beautiful memories

• Lack of connection to the people most precious to you

• Inability to really know your children and them unable to know you

• Overwhelming regret

If you find this recipe difficult to read—if you find that you have tears in your eyes, I thank you, and your child thanks you.

It is not easy to consider the possibility that the distractions of the modern age have taken an undeserved priority over the people who matter in your life. In fact, when I admitted this difficult truth to myself almost two years ago, I experienced an emotional breakdown. However, that breakdown became a breakthrough that propelled me to begin my life-changing “Hands Free” journey.

Here’s the thing: You don’t have to follow the above recipe. Yes, it is the 21st century. Yes, the whole world is online. Yes, the communications for your job are important. Yes, at times you must be readily available. But despite all those factors, you do not have to sacrifice your child’s childhood; nor do you have to sacrifice your life.

May I recommend this recipe instead?

How to Grasp a Childhood:

Look into her eyes when she speaks to you … Your uninterrupted gaze is love to your child

Take time to be with him—really be with him by giving your full attention … The gift of your total presence is love to your child.

Hold her hand, rub his back, listen to her heart beat, and smooth his hair … Your gentle touch is love to your child.

Greet her like you missed her when she was not in your presence … Seeing your face light up when you see her is love to your child

Play with him … Your involvement in his activities is love to your child

Set an example of being distraction-free while driving … Positive role modeling behind the wheel is love (and safety) to your child.

Create a distraction-free daily ritual … Consistently making him a priority each day is love to your child.

Focus and smile at her from the stands, sidelines, or the audience … Seeing the joy on your face as you watch is love to your child.

The recipe for “How to Grasp a Childhood” requires only one thing: You must put down your phone. Whether it is for ten minutes, two hours, or an entire Saturday, beautiful human connection, memory making, and parent-child bonding can occur every single time you let go of distraction to grasp what really matters.

The beautiful, life-changing results of your “Hands Free” action can start today … right now … the moment you put down the phone.